Sunday, November 04, 2012
前几日，爸爸的身体不是很好。在陪他等待看医生时和提醒他吃药时。他开玩笑的说他会乖乖的因为他还想看到我结婚生子。
在那时，我突然发现要完成爸爸的这个愿望我有可能无法实现。除非我愿意嫁一个我不爱的人。因为我爱的那人永远无法将我当成结婚的对象的。
虽然几年前，我就知道如果我有结婚的一天，那我的丈夫绝对不会是我爱的人，而是一个我认为家人和社会可以接受的结婚对象。
而且我早有了为了责任和让父母安心，随便找个人嫁了的觉悟。
可是在这几日，因父亲的身体不适和连日连夜的梦境让我更深刻的感觉到我对他的心思。我没有信心可以为了责任和一个我不爱的人结婚了，尤其是在知道了自己的心后。
在打这个blog时，有个想法在问我，为什么不找个我爱的人嫁，如果有喜欢的人或爱着某人的话，就将他捕获吧。
可是我现在爱的人是不可能有结果的，还有就是当我真的爱上一个人，就很难放弃了。所以我想至少完成让父亲抱孙吧， 这样的话，找个可以被认同的人随便嫁了吧。
我开始胡言乱语了。
还是忘了去睡吧。
Thursday, November 01, 2012
Is it true that dream is part of our consciousness?
If that is true, then I would have to wish that what I had been dreaming these past month nights and days dreams were not real.
I wish not to know of the feeling I had for him. But the more I denied my feeling, the worst my dream get.
I don't want to admit my feeling that I have.
....
我是一个忘了如何哭的人。就连在我的外公过世时眼泪也无法流得很如现在。
我不想面对我对他所产生的感觉。可是每夜从梦醒时记起在梦里的他时的愉快，和在梦中对好友坦白的承认我对他的感觉时的解脱。让我不得不怀疑我对他的真正的感觉或是该说承认我对他的感觉。
对一个以忘了如何哭泣的人类来说，从梦里因当他知道我对他的感觉而从幸福之梦转换成噩梦时惊吓哭泣而起这点以让我知道自己以泥足深陷了。
无论心会多伤多乱和多痛。我还是决定将心封印起来。
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Last night of the camp feeling damm pissed and anger is raging in my soul.
On Monday Night, I did MENTION that the boys are unhappy with the faci but no one listen to me. And the so-call boss told me not to spectaculate base on the boy's name.
So on Tuesday CC go xchange faci for 2 class. The boys shown that they were pleased as they managed to get rid of the faci that they are buay song with. So at night debriefing and sharing, when mentioned, Stupid FT said she never hear any requests from boys. So I mentioned the alttitude boys were displaying, and indirectly qoute the term the boys used. MAYBE cause the P was there that why the impact is there. So during campfire out of 'manners' approach that CC and he mentioned he hear nothing of it. Yes Like HELL he never hear CAUSE I AM JUST FREAKING TALKING TO MYSELF. DAMM @55hole. Then Since then treat me machiam like slave and leave me out of dicussion. FUCKER! if you don't want me around then just said it out loud infront my face. Bloody hell, I'm having dinner ask me go look after sick kid. It is not as if that blood kid will die if no one is seeing him in the sickbay. Can't wait meh, just cause you want to have your blood dicussion and you hated having my pressence there. Just named it, at most I just go to the roof top or canteen to eat. What kind of asshole alttitude is that,
But the WHOLE DAMM THING that is PISSING ME off was that THEY ACCUSED THAT I NEVER PRE-WARNED THEM OF THE SITUATION THOSE IDIOT BOYS ARE HAVING AND IT IS DEFINATELY NOT MY FAULT THAT THE IDIOT BOYS DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE AND RESPECT OR TRUST TOWARDS THEIR FORM TEACHER. JUST Cause the blood FT is a skinny bitch mean that by default all mistakes are mine and not hers to start with?
Damm fucking pissed Struck in a 'niao bu la shi, ji bu sheng dan' location. And now I'm struck in the fucking sickbay with a sicko. Can't they send her home if she is bloody well not feeling well. All these accompanying of those sicks while those ass are having the bbq at their own sweet.
Can you believe it after they have their bloody fucking bbq for an hour then that fucker come up and told me that I can go down for a short while to have a quick bite.
Humans are treating me like this, why should I bother with them, might as well like them all be slaughter like pigs under the gallows.
Sunday, May 08, 2011
just finish the news of this year election. Aljuined is lost to WP. I am sure a lot of my age group people will feel happy and overjoyed as they feel that opposition party represent their voices their free will. With this lost of Aljuined GRC, they may feel that they had finally gain their ways of says. But with the lost of Aljunied GRC, it also meant we lost a strong, great minister, George Yeo. For the next 5 years, what will happen to our foreign affairs? The strong bond and rapport that was created that assist in our foreign trading which indirectly affect our economical growth?
A lot of young one want to see PAP gone cause they feel being repress by them, and with they feel that WP are able to understand them. But is this a right action? A lot of them was opposed to the high pricing for flats and other elements. Since pricing for flat is under MND, should not they (WP) go against Mah Bow Tan?
Personally I feel that with George Yeo gone, it is the biggest lost Singaporeans had achieved. We gained our voices, but lost a talent who excel in handling foreign affairs, worth it? I will say that is a big 'NO, NO'. Not worth it, as the con will outshine the pro in this era where good rapport with other countries is a NEED. I hope the next new Head for the MFA will be someone who is able to fill up this big shoe that George had left behind. Bad MFA == low economical growth, as Singapore is no longer a independent eco structure country, we need all those foreign resources to ensure our survive and if we had a screwed up for a new Head for MFA what will happen?
New voices, new hopes? I don't see it this way. There are many ways for our voices to be heard regardless what or how repressed we feel.
Are we really that repressed by our government? Personally I don't think so, with the wide spread of internet, I had never feel that we had lost the freedom of speech. Yes, we may not had the same kinds of 'Human Rights' like under the constituency of USA or the UN but we are still able to express ourselves as long as no harm was created toward others. Had those so-call being oppressed citizens try to make themselves be hear, hear as in really go all out? To speak the truth, in SG I personally feel that the only One who had tried his best to make his voice been heard is Mr J.B Jeyaretnam. I remembered that I saw him once in Orchard promoting his book but that time I was still a freshman out from Poly and had no strong sense of ideas on the important of understanding what goes on in the political pay no attentions to him. But looking back at then, under the hot sun and standing there for a man in his late seventies or early eighties that was a remarkable feat. Unless we had attempt to at least express ourselves like Mr J.B Jeyaretnam, we should not said that our voices are being oppressed.
Pray hard, as we are going to have a hard 5 years ahead.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
It's months since i last posted in my blog. Looking back at all these months, I think my conditions had not improved at all. I'm still hurting my so-call friends, but am I treating them like a real friend or just only on a technical term that I was doing it. What can be define as friends? Those who share your sorrows, your pains, your happiness or loneliness?
I'm always feeling lonely. Like recently when I'm out with a friend at the closest shopping mall, I felt 'tune-out' or out of the world. What make the situation worst is that, I will irritate the friend with me at the moment. But I can't tell him that I just don't like the feelings of being around other humans. As that will sound weird, like I'm a psycho or a person who think too highly of their own. However when I did not mention the reason of why, I don't feel like going out to place where there are many humans, it ended up making him angry.
Although every year, specially near to my birthday, my tolerance to stay among other humans will drop to the bare minimum standard since I can recall. But these past three years, the limits were approaching me at a much higher speed. By normal standard, the limit will exceed around 2 to 7 days before my birthday. But these few years, the limit had reach around a month or so, and this year it getting worst. Since the beginning of October, the irritation had started. I will get super uncomfortable around others. But due to my job, I had to fake my interaction with other humans. Smile happily, acknowledging the presence of the students, the vendors at the canteens, the other 'iron-bowled' workers and even the other fellow workers at HQ, all these fake actions are killing me faster than I know or worst, the feeling of murdering them and wipe their existence off from the surface of the Earth.
When I told my mother, she just mention, due to the fact that I'm a only child, that why I can't interact with others which cause this irritation. This may explain the part on the irritation among other humans, but it can't explain why I'm alway wearing a mask when I'm with others. Even on the net, those online friends that I had make, it was just another face mask that I'm wearing. The changes in me was so great that I was consider a fraud. I lost a friend, when she saw me at work and when she interacting with me online, although this was not told to me directly from her. However our common friend mention that my characters either online, in real face-to-face encounter or other form of interaction with me are all fake and unreal. 7 years had passed and recently this friend of mine had gotten married, but I was not invited and truth be told, I was a bit hurt. As I though although we might have stop seeing each other in real life, but we still talk on msn regularly. When I was young, I was told that a friend will definitely invite his or her friends to their own weddings. So when I hear of their wedding, I thought I need to think of a good wedding gift but ended up I was not invited and those circle of friends did not knew that and even ask me what I'm getting for them. It was not like I don't know her husband, to speak the truth, I was closer to her husband before I know her, and we become a much closer friends with more common interests and I sort of helped her husband to court her. But after she so-call realize my different expression in life. I was outcast by both of them and the circle of friends that were build around them also start to distance themselves from me.
Maybe I'm really bad at being a human, can it be even consider an impairs or handicap? But in numerous case study that I read, most of these cases the affected parties are quite intellectual which is totally wrong for me.
Maybe with the shortening of this condition, it just a sign telling me that either my end is near or be prepare for the solitary life that is foreboding.
“孤独”是永恒的存在。
只知道孤独是可以生存。
可是在知道朋友的定义。
“孤独”就有了一个朋友叫“寂寞”。
当两者结伴在一起，永恒就是成为了一种灭亡。
我知道朋友的定义，所以也知道了寂寞的含义。
可是我还是放不下保护着我的虚伪的面具。
如果不摘下面具，就无法找到真心的朋友是真的吗？
那为何丽美可以在不摘下我的面具下知道我的真心，而成为我的好友?
还是说，我在她的面前时，是毫无掩饰的？
I'm really tired of trying to remove my masks, yet I can't stop myself from wearing one. Why can't the others treats those masks as part of me and quit questioning me on which is the real me or saying that I'm contradicting my own words. Cause to speak the truth, there are really times when I'm wondering if I'm having split personalities but I'm know it is not.
或许你以为我不在意
可是我还是会的
请不要再逼我改了，因为我再如何的改，那也是一个为了你而戴上的面具。
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
recently i reliease that i'm really not good with words specially to console others, and when i think of what the things to say, there is a high risk that the other party will be hurt more by my words, like rubbing salt to an open wounds. I wanted to console a friend, but i dreadful that whatever i say will add more stress and pressure to that friend, or reminded this friend's source of pain.
Whenever not required, i can talk non-stop, gibbish, rots all type of nonsense will so-call erupted out from my mouth. But when words of kindness or console i'm really deadmeat, i don't know how to console, as i felt that whatever i said sound so fake and unreal.
Anyway, i'm not sure what is going through the world right now, I heard bad news and good news. Yet, i can only say that i'm quite selfish that i'm only willing to bother about myself as i'm only concern how to allow myself not to hurt others, so that in return, they won't have excuses to hurt me back. But regardless what i do or did, i will still hurt other.
haiz dono wat the hell i'm typing already, all my brain are mixed up like in a blender...
Saturday, April 25, 2009
闲来无事，再度观看金庸的名作的新修版，射雕英雄传，神雕侠侣和倚天屠龙记。小的时候因为没有事可做读了金老师的几本名作，最是喜爱这三部小说。可再度阅读更是有了不同的感受，为何在小说里的武林道义在人世间永无之见。
这几日来，不知为何想去吃晚餐却终日独自一人，没有人可相陪。可真不知古人常言的红颜知己的要如何方可得到。
笑看红尘，我已徐徐赫赫的渡过了二十余年。既无知己陪我解愁，更无红颜可陪我把酒言欢。猪朋狗友多不胜数，敌人更是不在话下的多。如果要以金庸的这三部作品里找个角色来比喻成我自己的话，我当真只能成为杨康了。但是我便无他的‘好命’有个有权有势的养父和一个不管他的平行人格默默爱着他的爱人，我有的只不过是过往的好友。今时今世我会有如何的下场？如果我要继续过着每日带着面具的生活，我可以活得开心吗？