Belial Personal Space

2011-05-08T03:58:00.003+08:00

just finish the news of this year election. Aljuined is lost to WP. I am sure a lot of my age group people will feel happy and overjoyed as they feel that opposition party represent their voices their free will. With this lost of Aljuined GRC, they may feel that they had finally gain their ways of says. But with the lost of Aljunied GRC, it also meant we lost a strong, great minister, George Yeo. For the next 5 years, what will happen to our foreign affairs? The strong bond and rapport that was created that assist in our foreign trading which indirectly affect our economical growth?

A lot of young one want to see PAP gone cause they feel being repress by them, and with they feel that WP are able to understand them. But is this a right action? A lot of them was opposed to the high pricing for flats and other elements. Since pricing for flat is under MND, should not they (WP) go against Mah Bow Tan?

Personally I feel that with George Yeo gone, it is the biggest lost Singaporeans had achieved. We gained our voices, but lost a talent who excel in handling foreign affairs, worth it? I will say that is a big 'NO, NO'. Not worth it, as the con will outshine the pro in this era where good rapport with other countries is a NEED. I hope the next new Head for the MFA will be someone who is able to fill up this big shoe that George had left behind. Bad MFA == low economical growth, as Singapore is no longer a independent eco structure country, we need all those foreign resources to ensure our survive and if we had a screwed up for a new Head for MFA what will happen?

New voices, new hopes? I don't see it this way. There are many ways for our voices to be heard regardless what or how repressed we feel.

Are we really that repressed by our government? Personally I don't think so, with the wide spread of internet, I had never feel that we had lost the freedom of speech. Yes, we may not had the same kinds of 'Human Rights' like under the constituency of USA or the UN but we are still able to express ourselves as long as no harm was created toward others. Had those so-call being oppressed citizens try to make themselves be hear, hear as in really go all out? To speak the truth, in SG I personally feel that the only One who had tried his best to make his voice been heard is Mr J.B Jeyaretnam. I remembered that I saw him once in Orchard promoting his book but that time I was still a freshman out from Poly and had no strong sense of ideas on the important of understanding what goes on in the political pay no attentions to him. But looking back at then, under the hot sun and standing there for a man in his late seventies or early eighties that was a remarkable feat. Unless we had attempt to at least express ourselves like Mr J.B Jeyaretnam, we should not said that our voices are being oppressed.

Pray hard, as we are going to have a hard 5 years ahead.

Long forsaken dairy of mine

2010-11-09T14:19:00.007+08:00

It's months since i last posted in my blog. Looking back at all these months, I think my conditions had not improved at all. I'm still hurting my so-call friends, but am I treating them like a real friend or just only on a technical term that I was doing it. What can be define as friends? Those who share your sorrows, your pains, your happiness or loneliness?

I'm always feeling lonely. Like recently when I'm out with a friend at the closest shopping mall, I felt 'tune-out' or out of the world. What make the situation worst is that, I will irritate the friend with me at the moment. But I can't tell him that I just don't like the feelings of being around other humans. As that will sound weird, like I'm a psycho or a person who think too highly of their own. However when I did not mention the reason of why, I don't feel like going out to place where there are many humans, it ended up making him angry.

Although every year, specially near to my birthday, my tolerance to stay among other humans will drop to the bare minimum standard since I can recall. But these past three years, the limits were approaching me at a much higher speed. By normal standard, the limit will exceed around 2 to 7 days before my birthday. But these few years, the limit had reach around a month or so, and this year it getting worst. Since the beginning of October, the irritation had started. I will get super uncomfortable around others. But due to my job, I had to fake my interaction with other humans. Smile happily, acknowledging the presence of the students, the vendors at the canteens, the other 'iron-bowled' workers and even the other fellow workers at HQ, all these fake actions are killing me faster than I know or worst, the feeling of murdering them and wipe their existence off from the surface of the Earth.

When I told my mother, she just mention, due to the fact that I'm a only child, that why I can't interact with others which cause this irritation. This may explain the part on the irritation among other humans, but it can't explain why I'm alway wearing a mask when I'm with others. Even on the net, those online friends that I had make, it was just another face mask that I'm wearing. The changes in me was so great that I was consider a fraud. I lost a friend, when she saw me at work and when she interacting with me online, although this was not told to me directly from her. However our common friend mention that my characters either online, in real face-to-face encounter or other form of interaction with me are all fake and unreal. 7 years had passed and recently this friend of mine had gotten married, but I was not invited and truth be told, I was a bit hurt. As I though although we might have stop seeing each other in real life, but we still talk on msn regularly. When I was young, I was told that a friend will definitely invite his or her friends to their own weddings. So when I hear of their wedding, I thought I need to think of a good wedding gift but ended up I was not invited and those circle of friends did not knew that and even ask me what I'm getting for them. It was not like I don't know her husband, to speak the truth, I was closer to her husband before I know her, and we become a much closer friends with more common interests and I sort of helped her husband to court her. But after she so-call realize my different expression in life. I was outcast by both of them and the circle of friends that were build around them also start to distance themselves from me.

Maybe I'm really bad at being a human, can it be even consider an impairs or handicap? But in numerous case study that I read, most of these cases the affected parties are quite intellectual which is totally wrong for me.

Maybe with the shortening of this condition, it just a sign telling me that either my end is near or be prepare for the solitary life that is foreboding.

“孤独”是永恒的存在。

只知道孤独是可以生存。

可是在知道朋友的定义。

“孤独”就有了一个朋友叫“寂寞”。

当两者结伴在一起，永恒就是成为了一种灭亡。

我知道朋友的定义，所以也知道了寂寞的含义。

可是我还是放不下保护着我的虚伪的面具。

如果不摘下面具，就无法找到真心的朋友是真的吗？

那为何丽美可以在不摘下我的面具下知道我的真心，而成为我的好友?

还是说，我在她的面前时，是毫无掩饰的？

I'm really tired of trying to remove my masks, yet I can't stop myself from wearing one. Why can't the others treats those masks as part of me and quit questioning me on which is the real me or saying that I'm contradicting my own words. Cause to speak the truth, there are really times when I'm wondering if I'm having split personalities but I'm know it is not.

或许你以为我不在意

可是我还是会的

请不要再逼我改了，因为我再如何的改，那也是一个为了你而戴上的面具。

unsure of what to say

2009-05-19T23:34:00.002+08:00

recently i reliease that i'm really not good with words specially to console others, and when i think of what the things to say, there is a high risk that the other party will be hurt more by my words, like rubbing salt to an open wounds. I wanted to console a friend, but i dreadful that whatever i say will add more stress and pressure to that friend, or reminded this friend's source of pain.
Whenever not required, i can talk non-stop, gibbish, rots all type of nonsense will so-call erupted out from my mouth. But when words of kindness or console i'm really deadmeat, i don't know how to console, as i felt that whatever i said sound so fake and unreal.

Anyway, i'm not sure what is going through the world right now, I heard bad news and good news. Yet, i can only say that i'm quite selfish that i'm only willing to bother about myself as i'm only concern how to allow myself not to hurt others, so that in return, they won't have excuses to hurt me back. But regardless what i do or did, i will still hurt other.

haiz dono wat the hell i'm typing already, all my brain are mixed up like in a blender...

2009-04-25T00:00:00.003+08:00

闲来无事，再度观看金庸的名作的新修版，射雕英雄传，神雕侠侣和倚天屠龙记。小的时候因为没有事可做读了金老师的几本名作，最是喜爱这三部小说。可再度阅读更是有了不同的感受，为何在小说里的武林道义在人世间永无之见。
这几日来，不知为何想去吃晚餐却终日独自一人，没有人可相陪。可真不知古人常言的红颜知己的要如何方可得到。
笑看红尘，我已徐徐赫赫的渡过了二十余年。既无知己陪我解愁，更无红颜可陪我把酒言欢。猪朋狗友多不胜数，敌人更是不在话下的多。如果要以金庸的这三部作品里找个角色来比喻成我自己的话，我当真只能成为杨康了。但是我便无他的‘好命’有个有权有势的养父和一个不管他的平行人格默默爱着他的爱人，我有的只不过是过往的好友。今时今世我会有如何的下场？如果我要继续过着每日带着面具的生活，我可以活得开心吗？

May i consider this to be the happiest of my working day since i started to work in this school

2009-04-02T21:50:00.002+08:00

Today, can be consider 1 of the few happiest day of my whole working life in this school. I was invited along by 庄妈妈to go together to see our students' wushu competition. Who in the world will know that i will have this chance to see my idol from Heartlanders. Yes, you guess it, is 翁清海. He is as gorgerous, handsome, sunny shinny... oh my gosh, i really don't know what more can i describe him. The moment i saw him in the police uniform in the drama heartlanders, he become my idea police officer image. When he was acting in those chinese channel 8 drama in the early days of my secondary school life, he was literally my prince charming. I have seen many actors and actoress in my short 26 years of life. Some of them are even my distance relatives or clients of my cousins' business. When join this job in end of 2006, i know that my school have Wushu, i was already sort of hoping that one day, maybe I will get a chance to catch a glimpse of him. but for the past 2 years, 2007 and 2008, i did not have the chance to see him. Yet today, when i go there, purely to backup and cheer for my students. I saw him! He is 1 of the judges, oh my gosh, i was so speechless and don't know what to say expect to keep taking his photos. Then at the end before my students, 庄妈妈and i was leaving. The court, he is judging for was having a break, and he went to make a phone call at level one. Just nice we are about to leave, and saw him at the stairway, i grab the chances asking him to take a group photograph with me and my students. Actually was wishing that i can take alone with him, but it was a school camera lar.... so think better don't.. so i ask along all those students who wish to take to come along and had the best picture taken.(although my eyes look weird again....)

haha so now i'm too high to sleep and keep gogging my eyes at that picture... :D

just nagging?

2009-03-30T00:57:00.002+08:00

Did not work on thursday and friday, as i was clearing my time-off hours. Nothing interesting happen. On thursday went to help out in Family Life centre gala dinner. Haiz, can't really help much. I understand that for these volunteering groups, they need a lot of money to run, but i notice that on the gala dinner that day, fund raising was not easy at all in such event. So much efforts put in, yet so little returns recieved.
Friday, went back to school for 30minutes to clear something and xiao jiu jiu come to school to fetch me, spend the whole afternoon with grandmother. I think maybe age catch up with her, alot of things she asked was repeated questions, but i still try my best to answer her again and again. I don't know why, i felt sad when i keep repeating the same answer. I don't know was it cause it is this time of the year or other factors. Fears of losing her, make me wanted to spend more time with her. Although i was not able to drive her around that much, yet i felt that i want to bring her out and enjoy different aspect of lifes. But 1 thing i know for sure is, even with transportation provided, my auntie will forbid me for bringing her out. although i'm not sure of the reason why. haiz... maybe till now i have not shown my responsible side to them or i was never ever be responsible for anything at all?

Things happens and past, it make me starting to wonder about a chinese saying, 前世的500次回望，才换来今生的一次擦肩而过。那我和我的家人与朋友到底要经历几世的轮回相遇于相望，才成就了如今的亲情与友情？
I wonder, so many things have happen in my short 26 years of life, going 27 at the end of the year. What have differents have i make in my life and others' lifes? The only things i can remember is how much i have hurt others directly, indirectly, with intention or without intentions. The rest, nothing. I never thought much before taking actions or saying things. In the end a lot of innocents souls and people was hurt by my actions and words. Did i regret what i did or say? I did for some, but for most of it, i did not. Reason? Cause I did not even know i did that, and being an arrogant fool, i also don't really bother to find it out. Now come to think of it, could that be the reason why in this short life span of mine, i have so many short-span friends?酒肉朋友何其多，红颜知己何其少。果然如古人所言知己亦难求。

think i will just stop here with my craze thoughts and hit my bed with my snooze.

lol another long forsaken update haha

2009-03-24T00:29:00.003+08:00

Was abit blur and busy the past few weeks. Trying to forget about valentine, so bang my head into the thing call work.
Actually the past 6 weeks, initially was busy with nothing just plain working daily. Then with the usual, valentine come, i spend the V-day with my secondary friend, Jas. I was actually looking forward to maybe ask the guy i like out. But in the end, i gave up that idea and be more realistic. Cause I understand something during the chinese new year visiting, that if i want to date, i must look for guy that can consider marriage as a dating option or outcome? But i did enjoy myself with my little 'gan' nieces on the V-Day.

After V-Day was rushing for other stuffs like school health promotion board screening, then unfortunately, my desktop monitor in working place broke down. But for god-known what reason, when the repairman came down, it start working like normal again (*%*$*^*$#*#$%*$#) stupid monitor.

In between that was the school sports day, on a Saturday.... wat a day, raining again as usual... and because of the stupid Sun Shine, my fair skin tone now is dark like 'chao tar' skin tone.
Enjoy myself quite well beside the sun shine that make me melts numerous times...

Now busy myself with SYF, termly report involvement, attendance and stuffs again, but deep in my brain i was thinking should i change my job? The job's cycle is starting to become abit mundane. But most important is my pay is so like low... like peanut. Imagine on my job title, it is Senior CCP Executive... yet my pay worst then a junior executive...

But some other factor make me 'san xing liang yi' cause if i change my job, our common factor will be gone. With the common factor gone, will we still have any connection? Jas used to say that whenever i want to change a job or something is cause i'm tired of returning to the same routine of my life. To follow this character of mine, i will lost the connection between us, but to keep to this connection, I'm starting to lose interestes and zest in my job. The more i continue with this work, the more my personality surfacing without my acknowledge.

Oh ya on 22nd March was grandfather 3rd death annivesary. Times really flies. When he was around, i don't treasured the times we have together, when he passed on. I started to miss the times when he make tapioca cakes and ask me to go and collect from him or ask me to eat in front of him telling him how nice and delicious it was. These days don't know why i keep missing my grandfather alot. But times have changes, he is no longer around with us. There are times when i wish that i can spend more times with him.

The month of march maybe full of many emotions and it seems to be mostly negative but on the 14th March, i attended my cousin, yong meng's wedding. He is the same age as me, and at the wedding, i found out that another cousin of mine same age with me is considering getting married at the end of this year too. This made my 'gugu's all turn their attention to me. They kept saying want to be 'mei po' but the thing is no matter how good a guy stand in front of me, or maybe propose to me but if that guy is not the guy i like i won't agree to it at all. Why can't they understand something as simple as that?
But that bring me back to 1 simple fact, the guy i like will never fallen in love with me. In my 26 years of life, i have fallen for a 12 male, including the present guy that i like. All the outcomes are so visible before i took any action. But to speak the truth among these 12 guys, only junxiong and the present guy can make me do many stupid things for them. I really wonder is the other 10 guys just a simple mistaken of crash as liking?
Should I concentrate on building my career? Since i know i won't have the kind of love i longing for....

Pluzzed by all sort of feelings again. Felt betray, being used as a spy tool, a money tree(?), childish, arrogant and most important confusion. With all these feelings and thinking raging through me, can i manage to maintain my sense? Will i broke down and cried? How i wish i can do that but since last year of an incident, i can't cry again. It seems like my tear ducts are really broken. It keep malfunctioning, crying at a situation where i should not and now when i felt so emtionally tired, yet i can't bring a single tear to my eye.

Think i will just stop my blogging here. I will try to update as often as i can.

long time enver update

2009-02-06T23:58:00.005+08:00

许久没有更新部落格了。
在这新的一年2009年里，我有许多想法。在2008年里，有好多的事发生，从戴着面具的生活到取下面具的身活。
在2009年的头一个月，我为取下面具的生活感到恐惧。我的任性，泼辣，刁蛮和无礼都因他而发。可是近日来，我开始怀疑我对这位友人的友情，不知为何我觉得他好像是在利用我。美有说过我已不是小孩子了，如果我真的觉得我被利用了，那也是我活该。可是说实在的对于一个戴着面具活了六年的人，拿下面具认真面对的朋友如果真的是在利用我的话。我决不会在以真心待人了。可是我真的有用真心在面对这些人类吗？就这样的想了几日，从一月九日如此想到现在，我真的开始对自己和许多是都没有了信心。
我也不知道我的想法了。我怕好多的事让我害怕，生为人类的我必须要坚强的面对人世间的勾心跺脚，可是我却不想去面对。我是个懦夫吗？还是我的心仍是善良的？
不止是这些事，近日来，母亲的工作上除了人事上的口舌，父亲就叫它转换工作地点。可是在我的分析上，我知道问题是出在母亲上。她不会插言观色，口辞也不好，做人太过庸慢。所以就算是转换了工作地点也会面对同样的事。对他们说，竟然被他们说，我不了解。从他们的嘴听到的尽是自怜自哀的话语，好像全世界他们最可怜，而我为人女却不为自己的父母感到怜惜还落井下石。
我对此好心烦，或许真如古人所言，忠言逆耳，良言苦口。面对自己的亲身父母说实言却被批评不谅解他们的苦。而以真心面对的朋友，又有种是在被利用的感觉。以真心和真语去面对，迎来的却是让我不解的苦闷。
对于如此，我是不是应该再度戴上面具，以虚伪的话语来迎合他人？
说真的，我真得好累，如果我可以选择生为人类的最后一天，我好希望那日早日到来，之因我真的感到灵魂的疲惫了。

Post Birthday Celebration?

2008-12-13T23:59:00.005+08:00

Lol, today went out with shixuan, weien, jolene and him. Actually today was arranged to meet xuan xuan to collect my birthday present haha. hehe So now total i have 3 gifts.
Here is a picture of the gift xuan had given me.
Big head tweety haha.
Cute right.

Lol actually when we were walking around, arrangement had been make to leave jolene and him alone. Lucky never do that, i don't think i will dare to face him if i did it.

After so many visit finally had a chance to eat at the Tian Tian Lai Huo Gou. But sian lar, they don't have pork meat balls...

But i did enjoy as i get to buy some mangas from Kino at Bugis. I wonder what should i do starting from tomorrow? I want to execrise... but super lazy sia... think must find someways to motivate myself haha.

Okie that's all Wednesday I will be back to work. Still got 19 days leave from 2007 and 2008. Maybe next year clear some during chinese new year? Should i save money to go Taiwan next year or not?

It's my birthday

2008-12-12T23:32:00.022+08:00

Today is the day I was born... that mean I’m getting older too haha Don't know was it too long never celebrate birthday haha cause only does it once a year :X not really celebrate lar, but I enjoyed a good buffet lunch at Shangri La. I asked 3 other friends to join along heart pain sia... cost me $240++ But they seem to enjoy the food, that the most important part. I notice every time my birthdays go out eat... I’m always treating... unless with my parents haha. But that was not always lar haha because so far I only spend my birthday with friends only less than 6 times in my 26th years of life haha, which is like 20% of my birthday haha. Okie actually CT wanted to treat me but my upbringing doesn’t allow it. haha my dad always say on birthday if possible I should be the 1 treating instead cause they are celebrating it with me. lol. Today receive 2 presents, quite a number of birthday wishing and birthday greetings. Hehe, here is the 2 presents I had received.

Nice sweet pink colour wallet pouch right, lol. When I show it to my mom, guess what she say lol, she say it too sweet and pink for me lol but it is a lovely colour, and good taste for the 1 who have chosen it haha.

Nice pair of earring right? When I received it, I never notice got brand although the giver did mention before the price is maybe due to the brand... but once I got it, I was more interested in opening it. The gift box require some skills to open, can't use force lol haha...
So when we leaving the restaurant while waiting for my friend to return from toilet, I took a look at the gifts again then I notice got the earring got brand…

When I notice the brand, I felt a bit guilty to take this present… as this is by far the most expensive present I have ever received from a friend.
I really like this pair of earring a lot.
Thank you all for spending the day with me today. Thank you for tolerating my nonsense and at times when I'm behaving very badly like throwing temper and making sarcastic remarks. Hehe I must start to wonder what to get for them next year when their birthday come.

Rewatch My Date with a Vampire

2008-12-08T23:20:00.000+08:00

Today was abit bored, so i went to rewatch the drama, My Date With A Vampire.

I alway like vampire and dracula kind of storyline.

When i was rewatching the drama today, quite a number of thoughts and memory rised. I used to like the storyline cause of the love story and vampire part. But don't know why, today my heart felt a bit painful from watching some part of the drama. To speak the truth, the pain was felt for Ma XiaoLing. Don't know why, now i think she is a poor thing in this first series of the drama. But 1 thing for sure i still dislike Wang Zhenzhen haha. Maybe cause she had the attraction from both the male leading character.

Regardless of how many times i have seen this drama, i still find Ma Xiaoling this character quite weird. To speak the truth, i used to wonder, if i can be like her. Then my mother once reply to this thinking of mine, "you are also similar like her, overspend and not good at crying."
But my mom was wrong about the crying part, cause for me it was not cause i chose not to cry is cause i can't. After the recent crying, this morning i tried crying as my eyes felt super dry and itchy. But no tears come up even after i try apply medical oil near my eyes.
Weird right, i don't know if i should see a doctor regarding this. But i don't want to spend such money.
When watching, i was thinking love between humans are already so hard, why does those immortal wish to get themselves into these kind of deep shit?
Maybe soon, it will my 26th year handing in a blank report card for my love result. I'm really puzzled, i'm always wishing for the impossible.

Anyway back to the drama series, i really like the vampire part only. Now rewatching it, i don't know why, i used to like the love story part but now i find it that part quite stupid. I'm really wonder why there is a such kind of change in my mentality.

Anyway since i clearing leave soon starting from Wednesday to next tuesday, I think I might rewatch My Date with a Vampire 2 and 3 ba. Hehe

something funny that happen on 7th dec

2008-12-08T10:12:00.000+08:00

Yesterday i joined fengkuan's family BBQ. something funny happen lol, his relatives thought that i was his girlfriend. I nearly laugh my head off when i knew about it.
This is not the first time i was mistaken to be someone girlfriend. I really starting to wonder, was it the way i communicate with other or behave around another person that cause the surrounding people to misunderstand it?
Years ago, i was mistaken to be flirting around my friend's boyfriend, and losing her friendship. Then after that i was mistaken by the guy that i like that i was in love with another of our male friend or was flirting with him...
I think beside changing my character, i must also watch the way i behave...
Is it cause birthday is approaching or is it cause for years my life had been such a failure???
I don't know why... weeks ago i was looking forward to my birthday, then recently i fear for it to approach and facing it alone. Today, i really starting to wonder, how many years do i have infront of me to celebrate this day call birthday, will this be my last? I'm really starting to have a lot of thinkings.

我可否让时间与空间为我而停止？我想是不可能了。今天出去时，遇到了旧邻居，他说了句我认为很可笑的事。他说我的样貌和十多年前一样完全没有改变。可笑吧。如果真是如此，我不是不是人了吗？
生日的逼近，让我的思考很混乱。
nevermind ba, i think i should just leave it like that ba.

Just wanted to nag

2008-12-04T23:50:00.006+08:00

Since 2nd dec, i was in school having camp with the school concert band. Although i was supposed to be around, but most of the time I'm in the staff room doing my stuffs. Going through my papers that need to be file accordingly. On the 1st night, after talking to 1 student, then i took a shower and went back to staff room. Being alone in the room doing my packing, I'm starting to wonder. Actually i have been doing alot of thinkings lately but the most thoughtful night will be last saturday. I did the worst kind of thing, crying in front of others(the worst kind of behaviour, that a female can display).
To speak the truth, i always regard crying a weakness which cause some confusion in me and specially crying in front of other. Maybe since young the way i was bought up, whenever i got caning from my mom and i cried, she will reply with words like, "okie, so now you are using your tears to make me felt guilty or are you trying to win sympathy from your dad?"These words make me understand that i must not cry as that will be treated as either a weakness or those 卑鄙手段acted out to gain sympathy. Actually i saw in quite a number of movies and real life action that when ever another human cry, the opp party will give in, which i thought to myself that i should never do that ever in front of others. But in times when i really need to cry, i find it hard to bring tears to my eyes also that why I'm always envious of friends that can cry at any feelings. Although i will shed a tear or two when watching sad movies. But i just can't cry when my feelings are down to the rock bottom, for example will be the day when my grandfather passed away in 2006. Everyone was crying, i was sad too, but tears just don't come up (guess what I only cried after his death for about 2 months later when i go collect my diploma and i visited him at the Columbarium, i went there to report to him and show him my cert). Yet on last saturday, when i was throwing my tantrum and have to cause someone to shout at me to realise my mistakes, an unspoken fear captured me. For no reasons, just a subconscious feeling overtake my mental control and my tear gland start to malfunction. But to speak the truth, till now I'm still trying to figure out wat caused the fear and what is that fear? Cause in the wee hours on sunday, i message jas to indirectly thank her for being my friend for over 13years. Her explaination to why i cried could be due to something others than what i thought it was. When we were joking, i realised those close friends i have all with the same horscope as mine has yet to get pass the thirteen months (Praying hard that this cycle will break specially in this friendship i'm having now). Jas say that was cause we are having too many similarities in characters, and i love to find those similiarities type of people to be my friend. I really starting to wonder after my conversation with her online. As i'm always bad at thinkings, and it cause abit of problems at work, on Wednesday when my 'neighbour' come back to collect her stuffs. she saw my 'thinker' look. she thought i'm too tired from the camp or was i not feeling well, cause there some kind of dark auro surrounding me. LoL i really wonder what she meant by the dark auro, but i manage to lie my way through, saying that the face of someone being confine in a small school for more than 10hours, and i need to move around kind. i think she took in my answer, cause she reply, 'no wonder, when u are out with us in KL last year, on the bus u will look sleepy or really is sleeping but once out of the bus, your engry level machiam like hyper level. haha'
I really quite shock with that reply of hers. I think i will miss her a lot as she is leaving this school soon.
Back to Tuesday, around midnight when i was packing and doing abit of msning, i messaged andy, hoping to get some advice from his point of view as a guy. When he never reply i guessed, he was busy with the phone call he trying to answer. But at 1am, i was quite shock that he called me, that was the first time he had called me, specially considering the point that this pal of mine is staying in KL while i was staying in SG. It was really sweet of him to call, cause at the point of time, alot of negative thoughts were running through my mind. When i was walking around the school at 12am plus before going back to staffroom, i went up to the fourth floor of block A, looking down at the expressway, to speak the truth, i don't know why but at that moment, i think i hear someone calling out my name but at that time, all the students were in the hall sleeping and the other 2 teachers were already asleep too. After hearing that voice, that fear 'attack' me again, but this time i never cried but deep thoughts and old memories keep coming back like a flash back of my life. Thinking that it is quite late, i decided to go back to the staff room. Back in staff room, i contiune with my packing and msning that when i decide to message andy cause we had not 'talk' for quite sometime. Andy, if there is any chances where you get to saw this article of mine, thank you for calling me. Cause of your call, i have managed to seal up that fear again. Although that fear is now sealed up, but i know deep down that fear had been set free before, it will once again attack me when i don't pay any attention to it.

Anyway, i enjoy myself in this camp, at least i'm able to clear half my table haha. Maybe during councilor camp, i shall stay back too to clear up the reminding part of the table. Oh ya, i notice that at night, where there is no clouds, looking up at the night sky can bring back a lot of memories. But don't know why, all the memories are those days of my npcc camp days and the sec 2 camp i had attended during my secondary school days. Maybe cause it's been years that i can sit under the night sky without much thoughts in mind. Since i'm clearing my leave next week, i think i shall check out the weather forcast for next friday or saturday then fix a tent at east coast or pasir ris to relax or if i dare go back to the old ATC campsite beach to relax?

Last time i was so used to doing things alone, and could always find ways to entertain myself alone, but why these days, i'm afraid to spend the day or even eating dinner alone? Since sec 1, it had always been mummy spending my birthday with me, but why is it that this year i trying super hard to wish that i'm not to spend my birthday alone or with my mum only? Can i get used to my life like before i join this school or maybe like the beginning of 2007? I starting to see signs that i need to get back to that kind of life, am i worrying too much? I am the only child in my family, and at the stage i'm wasting my life, I might be spending the reminding life in solitary. I was taught not to depend on others, but yet now i'm wishing for human to remember and spend my birthday with me. Is true that crying can weaken a human to such extend or have my mentality changed? These few days, i keep wishing that i can be continue my life in wearing the mask of fake happiness. But i understand, that my parents don't wish to see me living in a life as a faker. But they must understand, the past few years i had been trying hard to change my real personality to the extend that the only character i had leave is my bad temper and arrogant. Looking back at old photos, my smile is getting more and more fake. only my face is smiling but not my soul. However recently in an event, on that day, the photos i had taken all show signs of laughter from my soul. But i'm so scare cause signs are telling me that they are going to be gone soon. Can i change myself in time to prevent these happiness from slipping out of my hands or should i just let it goes like it used to be.
I think I'm having too much of thinking running in my brain now. that i can't even understand what i want or talking about already. Haiz, think i should go take a cold shower and sleep le.

Why must both of you alway destory my day!!!

2008-11-23T21:11:00.003+08:00

Why why why.... I so happy after my trip to the Anime Festival Asia held at Suntec, Singapore. Why must you use simple words that destory my whole happy feelings from today. I admit, i really don't like the ideas of the relatives specially your sister and mother visiting. That why i chose today to go to the Anime Fest. Yet when i return, you saw my smiling face, your 1st words was not 'enjoy urself', instead 'so finally u know when it time to return, just now grandma and ahyi was here, and you went out. You know they are coming yet you still don't stay at home to greet them.' Of course i will reply truthfully, i don't like to see them, regardless who they are. yet your reply was if the days of both dad and you die, i will be glad as no one will be willing to acknowledge my presence.

To speak the truth, I will be glad if this day of 'entertaining these group of humans days' will come as soon as possible. I hate putting up a smiling face to them although i know they are here to just show casing their achievement in life. Yes i don't achieve anything, I doing a useless job, tons of useless things, without achiving any single goals in my whole entire life.

I hate entertaining all humans, working i need to put up a mask of smiling, approachable human, at home, i also need to be put up a mask of an understanding daughter, with friends, i need to put up a mask too. All these are worst than living in a place full of strangers. If i could i really wish i can just cast aside all these and go live in Africa, Egypt or anywhere that i can live without a mask. I'm really Sick of all these methods. In this whole world, even my closest longest duration of friend, i had to wear a mask to entertain her. I can never cast my real emotion out. I don't mind living in a world without other human but robots to accompany me, i'm just really tired. A quarter of a century had past from my life, yet i feel like i had been living for millennia.

Was there a day from my past fill with the real happiness that i'm soughting?

I believe no, in my whole life, i live under the mask, to protect my soul and my heart. But with these, they are only able to protect my physical soul yet not my mental soul and heart.

Harry Potter

2008-11-19T13:53:00.002+08:00

Recently, when i'm googling for news on Harry Potter, i came across a forum topic. The topic was to read Harry Potter instead of children fiction, try to read it like a love story. I found it quite weird, viewed the forum. The reasons given to try and read it as a love story was abit funny. It requested the readers to read it from every different character's point of love interest view and expressed their concern and feedback to what will the readers themselves do if they are in such situation. I was quite bored and it had been sometimes since i read my HP series again, so i took up this challenge. But after reading through all my HP series again from a different point of view, I find Harry stupid (oh my gosh, why do i have such thinkings), reason was it took him so long to realise who is the 1 he really like, and he is hurting Ginny indirectly when he knew Jinny had taken a liking toward him yet he still behaving in that way with Cho Chang. Then I was amazed at how Ginny can still dated other guys when there's a part of her longing for Harry...

But the most weird part is how can Snape lived when the girl he like disfriend him, then married another guy and got killed by the 'master' that he served. I really wonder, but after reading through HP series, personally I had another idea, I should learn to be like 'He who must not be named', specially in getting rid of those troublesome humaniod feelings.

Haha lol many thoughts can be raise from just reading some books. This is something fun. Maybe i should dig out all my old books and read through again. :D

Prom night

2008-11-14T23:41:00.000+08:00

Recently i attended the prom night of the school i'm working in. I really starting to wonder why do i always looking forward to a prom night. Was it cause I had never attended a prom night for my own graduation? I think I might never know the answer. Anyway, a lot of students from sec 4 and 5 came, the girls look totally different. They look so pretty and really like princess from those fairy tales books. The guys also came in different forms of clothing but the most common are formal wear for guys, which make them appear so mature. Their childish appearance were gone, it seems like they are ready to enter the phrase of life call young adulthood. Yet all those thinkings went down the drain once the dancing start and those playful boys and girls went wild. lol.

Anyway, If any graduating students from that day, happen to see my post, I wish you all the best in your future.

2008-11-13T01:55:00.004+08:00

OH ya, after reminded by the friend of mine saying i never change my bad habits and he mentioned that i had never changed almost 12 months and in a way or so he keep bearing with my bad habits and temper although he did advise me to change. Hearing this, and since i had already 'dig out' the bad habit and need to change diary, i also took out my manual diary, although i don't update my blog but i do update my hardcopy diary often. it quite truth we had been friends like this for almost a year. Don't know why, i starting to get abit fearful... cause ever since after secondary school, friends that i'm close with never last over 13th months. Although those friends i still had keep in contact but the distances just grew and it always ended with me enraging them. Will this friendship also ended up the same way? So far only friendship with Jaslyn lasted that long, the second longest is with linda, 2 years in sec 1 and sec 2 then ended quite in a bad way ,with the same way, me making her angry although after that i tried to make up for my mistake but the stains of bad friendship remain. For Dis's case also i enraged her, then for Karen's case is she totally got addicated to online games and ignoring all humanly connection and i also addicated to online games thus following the same things... Will history repeat it?

I never learn my lessons.

2008-11-12T23:10:00.007+08:00

To speak the truth, a lot of times, I was asked to correct my horrible bad habit of interrupting someone in a conversation. I thought I have changed but always after scolding then I realised I never learnt from my mistake and changed at all. The moment I reached home today, I took out my little diary for which things I have written down to change and my bad character record. After reading through, personally I feel that I'm not fit for my job at all. If follow my old habit before primary school, I was acting happy, trying my own best to outshine myself in the things I’m best at and ignoring others' feelings. This in turn hurt others as well as creating distance between me and my friends.
Then after that from the record, I think I’m starting to behave and think of myself as those pathetic soul who had no one that understand them. But come to think of it, that was what I am still, although not total thinking of me as those pathetic souls that got their soul condemned in hell but not far from it.
Today after got scolding from a friend that is willing to help me change, yet I throw my tantrum at him. I’m really sorry for behaving in such a childish and ignorant way but I really don’t know how to tell him I appreciate his help. To speak the truth, I know I wanted to change, but why every time someone willing to tell me of my mistakes, I will feel grouchy.
Am I suitable for this job as a CCPE? From what I know, a lot of CCPE in my batch are leaving this job, yet those staying were involved in a lot of school programmes, function planning and meeting.
Speaking of meeting, I realised, I must really read through the agenda and meeting materials slides before taking minutes for a meeting. LOL, finally I thought I had a chance to show my old course club secretary skill of minutes taking, yet I blunter up. I have over estimate my capabilities. 我觉得我好失败喔。Am I really suitable for this job? Do I really like to help others like those comments those teachers are giving me? I keep making weird mistake which can be prevent if I paid attention, yet I never seems to be able to. I know I had the capabilities to complete all the keying of the data in less than 2 days, yet I can’t bring myself to settle down and stay awake while typing. I keep falling asleep even if I had sleep at 8pm the night before. Yet this could be due to bad health management, or a warning signal telling me that I must slim down and reduce my weight.
I remember I always told my mother my life would be different if she had allowed me to take Higher Chinese when I was in Primary 5 but come to think of it. All my life what have I done to make my life better? All I know since young is to blame others. There are times where the mistakes were mine, yet I denied any connection to it. For that kind of actions, Jaslyn said that are my bad points, so I tried to change, but I think I make some fatal steps, cause instead of moving away from the bad habits I have, I felt that I had ended up with more. Firstly, living a life wearing a mask, pretending to be someone I am not. I’m starting to feel the strain of living under this mask.
Maybe I think I will come clean with some things first. I’m not that ‘guai guai’ type of girl. I did smoke when I was in changkat changi sec. After that to pretend that I’m a good girl, I lied to my parents saying I’m studying late when I’m in Ngee Ann Poly but in effect I was happily playing a fool, wasting my time at lanshop. Don’t know was it heaven or god’s arrangement, I found out I have cement allergy. I have to drop out from my course. Then I went working in gaming company, while waiting to enter Temasek Polytechnic Computer Engineering Course. In TP, I spend my life no different from NP, addicted to online gaming, spending more than half of my free time playing games instead of concentrating on my study. Now I wish to enter the degree of Uni I’m interested in. Yet due to bad results from poly and O level English, it was rejected numerous times. But funny things, my friend with poly’s result worst than mine had entered local uni. Old habit die hard, seeing this, I started thinking of myself as character of the pathetic drama.
After seeing through all these, I started to blame history again. Am I learning anything? Jaslyn once mentioned before that to change my life, I must change my habits, building a wall between myself and others is not a bad things, but showing others’ the fake side of me is bad, and this is the point she wanted me to change. She wants me to show others my true side. The female who is always throwing her temper around, when things don’t goes her ways; she will create havocs to the extent that she had caused a blackout to her house before. This is the female I am. To speak the truth, I realized that these days I do show such side of me quite often, but I’m also indirectly showing the negative side of me, where I don’t heed others words, living only in my own world. Jaslyn did mention I should show such side of mine but I must also change to be an understanding, kind and courteous person. I just don’t know why, when ever going out, it’s now turning out that I must always accommodate to other’s timing, like the few recent outing with her, I’m always waiting for her like an hour or more, and others who I had to wait for them. They will always give commends like they are busy with this and that. This is when I will wonder why it is that when I’m late I must be scolded yet when they are lated, nothing was mentioned and I can’t give a single nag. I understand her meaning that I must be an understanding human but what does that really mean?
Understanding, I really don’t know. I was also told to be a useful and helping human, and try to help in whatever ways possible to make myself useful. Yet I don’t know why, when I tried to help out at my working place I understand there is some who call me a nosey parker but when I was attending meeting or chatting with the company bosses or superiors, they always asked me to try to be helpful in all possible way. I wish to be able to take up the initial step, but I can’t make up a lot of decision all I can do is source for more and more of different kinds of things they can make their choices from and yet when too much choices are given, they will say I’m increasing their work load by giving too many choices saying I should make my own decision. Yet when I give them my final decision, they will ask for more instead. I’m really confused. To speak the truth, I’m not a leader, yet I’m not a follower too as i don't follow much of the commands given. I will only follow if my leaders repeated their commands to me more than once. In my previous year work review, my RO did mention that I should be more confident in making my decision for the teachers and not keep going back to ask them for their points of views, they will not feel confident enough to give me any more important job. Yet when I don’t ask them for their decision and just give the things as instructed from them, they said I’m not respecting their decision.
To speak the truth, in this school, I feel totally out, this school has teachers who are capable, sometime I don’t even felt that they needed my help expect to key in CCA attendance which sometimes I don’t even think they need such help at all. For the past year, what have I been doing? Wasting my time? I don’t know but one thing I’m sure, I had wasted my whole life, wishing to be someone who I will never become. I remembered one of my teachers had mention, as long as we remember how to dream, we can achieve anything. But I had dreamed too much, that I have leaved the reality of life. I think it is time for me to quit dreaming and seek the solution to my problems.

Blogging till this stage, I’m already confused as to what am I trying to say. Was I trying to apologize for being a jerk? Was I trying to voice out my mistakes to the whole world? Was I complaining about my job? What am I trying to say or express? Was I questioning myself about whether I should carry on my life wearing the mask by hiding away under it or should I totally change them? I know I want to apologize to those who are always on the receiving end of my bad habits and bad tantrum. Maybe since I’m always complaining about not receiving the correct treatment since childhood, I shall work hard and invent the real time travel machine and travel back in time and change my life history. Prevent everything from happening the way it was yet making sure, I did invent a time machine in the future. Okie, I’m starting to sound like an idiot.

Since end of the year is coming soon, I shall redefine my life goal and planning. After thinking over so much, I think I’m starting to understand what my xiaodi was trying to tell me that day. Yes, this male friend of mine can maybe change me, allowing me to live under a life without mask, but I also understand those are not meant in romantic way. I think I must learn to appreciate this friend of mine more, weird thing is he maybe younger than me in age, yet I seem to be able to learn a lot from him. I’m really a ‘mountain tortoise’.
Since I’m starting on the New Year resolution and new life goal, my first shall be the same as previous year, slimming down, and second appreciate my surrounding friends and family members, thirdly, to thrive hard to get a chance to go back to study at Uni to get a degree and achieve a merit in degree.

2008-11-08T22:59:00.001+08:00

我以为我喜欢上了一个人，甲，妳却说甲不是我喜欢的人，还有去年，妳劝我要小心不要在自己不知情的情况下爱上了乙。这个警戒在想了11个月后，不知道为何，今天，我对乙说出了妳给我的警戒。
可笑的是想了那么多个月，我竟然在说了出来后，才想到。我不可能会喜欢上甲和乙的，我生为人类因有的感情在七年前就被我不知遗失在哪了。
平日，我都是代着一个面具示人的。
身为人时，我需要以不同的面具面对不同的人。有人说那是虚伪和诈欺，可是又有谁可以让我将我那虚伪的外表脱下或是看穿？有些人说我是个善良的人，可是我必须对那些人说对不起。我有黑暗和邪恶的一面而在你们面前的善良是我的面具。
就在近日，我一直在想我会不会是真的喜欢上乙了。可是在想得越多，我越是明白我的邪恶从来没有减少，所以乙有可能会喜欢上虚伪和邪恶的我吗？有了这种理解，心中的结也解了。乙是不会喜欢或爱上我的，在下了这种结论后，心里没有不甘或是难过。而在这时我明白了。我根本就没有在心动，如果有我应该要有难过的心情，可是没有。
或许从小学的那天起，我就不再相信人类。也许是七年前被我单相思的对象毫不留情的拒绝后，问题就变得更严重了吧。本来就不会哭的我更是变本加厉的没有再在我有意识时真心的哭过了。就连在最疼我的外公过世时，我也是一滴泪也没流。被老妈说是冷血动物的我哪有可能会爱上任何人嘛。
平日的我只有快乐和善良的面具，有谁可以让我放下所有的防备再度真心的爱一个人。人生在世莫过于知己难寻，伟梦难圆。梦想不容易实现可是还是有可能实现，但知己是人那就难了，因为人是善变的。不知道何时会背叛自己。被人背叛的话，伤口是否有再愈合的一天？
在想了那么多后，害怕被伤害的我哪里还会对他人动心嘛。

不过说真的，我有点累了，好想就此不再尝试了解其他人。人在极度累和失望过后会有什么东西可以再度点燃希望？
这些我不懂，我不想去追寻答案也不想多想，可是我好想把面具脱下用真心来面对，可惜我没有胆量。可是好笑的事是我和一位旧网络游戏里的弟弟说了妳给的警告，但他却说如果我真的对那人动了心，或许我就可以学会在没有面具的保护下生活了。可是我的小弟呀，他可知道，那人讨厌别人的欺骗和虚假，如此虚伪的我早就没有希望了。小弟是要我再度的经历七年的绝望，饶了我吧，我老了，没有心思再度体验人类的失望和绝望了。
不过，我还是觉得没有人类的感情，我或许会活得比较好。好想用我身为人类的感情来换取这一世的荣华富贵，高薪与美貌和身材。哈哈

Weird and funny

2008-10-27T17:06:00.002+08:00

Just now i walk pass the cinema saw the Butterfly Lovers poster acted by Wu Zun. Suddenly, i remember one thing from butterfly lovers story. Liang Shang Bo is a 呆头鹅... how can a guy be so dumb like him that he did not take note that a female who was so close to him and love him so much. I was also quite puzzled how could Zhu Yin Tai stand it, and how did she manage to endure being so close to the guy she like yet not able to tell. Both of them were so stupid.

Those were the thoughts i had years ago when i watch the movie acted by Wu Qin Long. Who will know that years later, today i will thought that it was romatic and noble. Some how in a way or so, i was able to felt how it was like to be close to the guy i like yet i was not able to tell out my feelings. Why... will i had such complicated feeling toward a guy...? When i was younger, i had no problems telling the guy that i like my feeling without hiding. Why was it that as i get older, my feeling start to evolve to be a coward.
But the guy that i like oso abit like 呆头鹅 lar. Don't know my feeling yet indirectly hurt me also don't know.

Maybe i don't deserve any of these humanly feeling or affections, that why when i know that none of my feelings won't be return, i won't felt sad at all.

erm weird weird haha howcome a movie poster can lead to so many memory link.

Finally my ordeal is over!

2008-10-21T22:00:00.000+08:00

haha, for those who know me will know that i had retake my O lvl english this year. and finally now It is officially over. Alway i can say that i'm not too optimitist on the result i will be getting but hey who care since at least i was able to finish my papers although i tried my best but i still felt like failing again. But no one can be sure till the result is out. Guess i can only pray hard. hehe

Now back to concentrating on my work.

Suprise!!! Guess what, i saw an old teacher back from WSS

2008-10-18T13:32:00.002+08:00

Today i was helping out in the Healthy Lifestyle walk and run held by Bedok South Secondary in Temasek JC. After helping awhile, i notice a familiar face. Gathering my courage, i asked,' sorry Sir, do you happen to teach in any school i had attended before?'
Guess what, he replied, ' ya, i used to teach in WSS.' And he remember my name with my surname. I was shocked cause i never thought i would see a teacher from those year. Life in WSS was never nice in my memory due to many bad and horribles memories but yet it was there i learn about alot of things. In my memory, tt Teacher, Mr Li that i met at the walk was my one of my PE teachers that taught me during my 3 years there. I was alway amazed by his 'xiao mei yang' the little scotter and he will alway ferried another teacher back. But few years ago i was told that teacher Mr Li alway ferried had passed away. After seeing Mr Li, a lot of memories from WSS surfaced.

Funny was alot of the old memories were linked to JX, NPCC and lewis. Haha thoese were the days where i was busy chasing JX and qurrealing with Lewis, and my training days in NPCC.
It even reminded me of some innocents thoughts i used to had. Like the numerous times i wished to have jx as my bf or wishing to attend the prom night with jx. Weird thing was i could not recall alot of those bad memory now but i could remember clearly those weird, funny and innocent thoughts i had made. Think age is really catching on me when all i can remember was mostly what i had thought about but i can't recall alot of details that had happen expect a few final events that caused a big impact in my future character development.

FInally conclusion to the title, Singapore is really small, i can even meet a retired teacher from my secondary school year.

Grad Ceremony

2008-10-18T00:05:00.007+08:00

17th October Friday, the school i'm working in had a graduating ceremony.
After hearing eleven's classes speechs to thank their teachers, there is only 5 things i can remember.
1st : All those thank you words felt so fake regardless which year the graduating students belonged to.
2nd : A lot of the speechs are dull and boring.
3rd : Famous quotes are alway quoted regardless of the year and repeated endlessly.
4th : I don't felt any sadness building up in me. I even felt that those who have cried are stupid and dumb.
5th : I always remember the first and last speeches cause that mark the start and the end of the ceremony.

Times really fly when i started thinking back to my own graduating ceremony in my poly year. I don't remember about having any graduating ceremony in Secondary or Primary school year. My Prom Night's planning in CKSS was cancel due to lack of budget. I had heard from some jokers mentioning that if i had continue studing in WSS, I might had a chance to attend the Prom Night if i could graduate.

Then in my poly final year, the Prom Night was only open to selected students so ended up, i did not get to attend it.

I had never attend my own Prom Night but I had helped to organise or participated in the helping out in 5 Prom Night. Once in CCSS, twice in Temasek Poly and this year will be my second times helping out in the Prom Night of the school i'm working in.

Will I ever had a chance to attend my own Prom Night? I don't know why, but I alway felt that if I ever had a chance to attend my own Prom Night, I might meet my Mr. Right there.

But all these are just a wishful thoughts. How was it possible for a 25 going 26 years old old woman get to attend her Prom Night.

Btw today i think i might had a prefect answer to the question that was bothering for a long time.
'He is just a nodding acquaintance.' Just a simple sentence will do. Why do i go through so much headaches thinking of an answer to the question that lead to this answer?

To speak the truth, what is the definition to the word, Friend?
According to Compact Oxford English Dictionary, Friend noun 1 a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations. 2 a familiar or helpful thing. 3 a person who supports a particular cause or organization. 4 (Friend) a Quaker

According to Dictionary.com, Friend –noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker. –verb (used with object)
6. Rare. to befriend.

All these don't seemed to be a direct answer to what i'm seeking. How should i define the word?
I really don't know Everytime, i though i was friend with someone, i would felt or know that we are not, we are just mere acquaintance.

In human's relationship, Friendship and Love affairs are the most troublesome. I wish I could live without these emotions and relationship.

Back from my 1st Mac Party

2008-10-05T00:03:00.002+08:00

Hehe I'm back from attending my 1st Mac Party. Haha, i search through my diary. I had attended Party held at KFC, Burger King and A&W but never attended Mac before. Thus this is my 1st Mac party and enjoy myself.
When I attended a fun birthday party, I'll wish my birthday this year will be as fun too. Last year, i did enjoy myself alot too. Sometime I wish, i can have such fun every year on my birthday as last year.

Another weird thoughts that surface from watching TV

2008-10-04T03:00:00.000+08:00

Just now, in about ten minutes ago, i watch a show from Disney Channel, Legend of the Ring of the Fire. It mention about legends on how does the moon come about in Thailand. The legend has it, that The Sun god, alway ride his chariot out daily and went back to his castle at night. One day while riding pass the sky, he saw a beautiful Siam Princess. She was so beautiful that what ever clothes she wore, it will illuminate a light glow. The Sun God fall instantly in love with her. Because of that, he was alway around her all the times and there is only Day time, droughts happens as all water are dried up by the sun. Remember during night time, those little tiny sparkles we call stars. In this legend, it mention that the stars are littles kids who only come out to play during the night sky when the Sun God return to his castle in the sky. Sad that they can't come out to play, they observe from the sky what was happening. In a sudden occasion, the sun left his chariot and follow the princess into a cave that she enter. Notice this, the stars send the chariot back to the sun castle, without his chariot nearby, the sun start to lose his powers. He also understand that he must return to his castle. Understanding the serious of the matter, the princess start to cry. From, the start, the stars also like the princess alot. So they make an agreement with the sun so that the princess will stop crying. One, the sun must return to his castle daily and two, the princess must become the moon to accompany the stars to play whenever the sun are in the castle. The sun understand that he is immortal but the princess is not. Knowing this, both become sad but both the sun and the princess agrees as from then on, they could be together in all eternity. So the Sun return to his normal duties, and the Princess become the moon and on the day we can't see her, she will be with the man of her love, the sun in the castle.
This part is the part that i find it lovely. but how was it possible for a woman to love another guy for eternity? If i have the eternity, will i be able to live through it with the same guy that i love? Or was it possible for tt guy to love me for all eternity without a change of heart? I really don't know cause even i myself don't think i can. To speak the truth, years ago, when i was in secondary school, i thought i will alway like a certian guy but after some disappointment and indirect rejection from him. I lost all my affection for him. Now today, after almost a decade, i had fallen for numerous guys but none were able to return the feelings i had for them. Till today, I'm alway playing the part of being a secret admirer. Will i ever had a chance to fall in love with anyone and get back the same feeling from him? Cause for 1 thing i'm sure now is, the guy that i love now won't be able to return back the feelings, specially since i don't even had the courage to confess to him.
I know, the start of my blog and the middle started to look weird but like i said recently, my thinking are getting weirder and weirder as the days goes. Who know maybe the day will come when my mood swing is so bad that i might felt that suicide will be a better way out. But at the moment, the swing is still in between trusting human and myself. So that still not too bad. Just that when the trust level got too low, i will had weird rejection effects on my physical, mental still okie. Let hope the day will not come that I will wish i had the technology to destroy the whole human population.

weird weird de again

2008-09-30T20:10:00.004+08:00

I don't know why, i'm feeling weird again. For the past few days, or i can say weeks, this weird feeling keep coming back. Specially after some kind of thoughts start to surface from my brain...

Btw, recently alot of my thoughts are in my brain. The most recent that is bugging me was, are g and j dating each others? There are so many points that seems to be pointing toward the idea that they are both dating but when ask, both denied it. And this kind of reply will trigger another kind of thought to my brain. E.g: Are they saying the truth? or was it cause they feel that I can not be trusted, that why they don't wan to let me know.

All these kind of thinkings will bring me back to my final thinkings, are those human being i call friends trust me, or no source of information can be entrusted to me as in their eyes i'm not the kind of person they can trust their secrets and informations with. Too many thinkings are clotting up, Limei alway ask me to trust other human beings but don't open up first wait till i think i can trust then open up. But who can i trust? All homo Sapiens are the same, yet at the same time they are so different. So hard to understand I really wish, when i though i can trust another human, there will be other facts that will make me wonder are they telling me the truth or there are thing being hiden fron me? Who can i trust and who really trust me? Will there ever be a day when i can trust another human and be trusted back back?

是朋友还是摇钱树？

2008-09-30T14:53:00.007+08:00

近日来，我一直有这样的想法。他们是把我当朋友还是摇钱树？
这种想法一直在我脑中挥之不去。为何我会有如此的想法,那是因为，近日来有群人类一直给我的想法。
在他们所说的众多理由中，其一是因为我是上班领新的人，而他们不是，对他们而言理应该是由有工钱的我来付账。虽然，他们会付一些钱来还我，可是却不是整数。为何我一定要为他们付差儿呢？我的月薪又不如老师那么高，还要时常对他人强颜欢笑，才能得到的微薄月薪为何要如此的浪费在他人身上？说真的，他们之中有的比我富裕的多，为何我就需要为他们来付钱呢？
有人说那是因为，我太善良了，不然就是太信任人了。可是，几年前，在完全不信任仍何人时，有一位老友，要我多多信任别人，要我将我那如长城般的心理围墙拆了。如今，我只将围墙的10%不到撤了就如此。我该如何是好？恢复到周末独自一人，除了交补习不然就是在家里‘玩电脑’的生活。又或是恢复成犹如鬼怪般，人人催逼，闪而不见般的鬼神吗？
寂寞一点都不可怕，可是当习惯了，知道有朋友陪的好处后，我还能变回以前的自己吗？我说不可能。因为我知道了酸甜苦辣的美味。放弃的话，我需要将身为人类最后的一面也抛弃。如将身为人类的最后一面也抛弃的话，我可以更定的是犹如撒旦，恶魔的我将不可能再有任何法子把心中的围墙拆除。

人类就真得那么难让我相信和理解吗？我该继续的将心中的疑问理清还是要以天真的想法来替他人辩解？我的心思好乱。老友呀，当年，为何你要我将围墙拆除，如果没有将围墙拆除，今时今日我就不会如此的苦恼了。

weird haha

2008-09-25T21:02:00.002+08:00

I feel that life is super weird as so many things can happen. Recently i was watching Discovery Home and Health, it show a 16 years old young america boy under went an op to cut away half of his stomach and about 60% of his small intestine to reduce his weight from about 400lbs and after surgery, in 20mths, he lost about 225lbs.

After seeing this, these few days, almost every nights before i sleep i will do a quick research on this. Finally i found out what kind of operation was that. It is bariatric surgery. A weird name right, the moment i saw this name, the first wrong impression i had was "wat the... bariatric?? howcome it sound like Xena and Coman." After reading, it seem like i had the meaning wrong lol. But what was puzzling me is, i should concentrate on working hard on my o lvl english paper 1 and 2 preparation yet here i am busy myself searching on a kind of method to slim down. Have i set my priority wrong again or should my health be my main concern now? Should i go for this operation? But is this surgery available in SG and wat will the cost be like?

To speak the true, i'm really tempted to try out this after so many weird old methods i used to try does not seems to work. I even try out blood type exercise to reduce my weight, but all seem fruitless.

But there are quite a numbers of unspoken side effects according to the few websites i had 'flip' through during my research.

Should i try my luck and call up SGH to check if they have this kind of surgery available in SG and start saving to make it, or maybe during the saving time mircales happens i do slim down without additional helps beside exercising.

I might be thinking of all these, but there is a part of me rejecting this, as it quite like cosmetics surgery, if it did work, then i will ended up like many females out there being artifical beauties.
Why do i need to think so much............I understand tt my health is rolling down the hill due to my bad weight management but why do i reject so many possibilities to allow me to slim down faster?

Haiz, think i will just end this post here with all my weird thoughts and thinkings.

My First Namecard

2008-09-24T09:07:00.003+08:00

After working in this school for 21months and 11days in this school. Finally i got a namecard just like other ccpes from other school.
I felt happy and sad at the same time. Happy is cause it is afterall my first ever namecard officially created. Sad is cause other ccpe started working around the same time as me had their own personal namecard at least 6mths after they start working in the school, but mine took that long.

Saw a super big cute white bear

2008-09-09T17:20:00.003+08:00

Halo, i know i have not been posting lately. lol. Today i saw someone with a big white bear. It's her birthday present from her classmate. To speak the true, when i saw it, i was quite jealous. Almost every years since Primary School, expect only in P6, sec 3 and last year did i recieve more than 2 presents from my friends.

Not sure why, suddenly i felt so blue. On the surface, i have a lot of friends but who can i really open up to? Since young, i always wonders, do my friends befriend me for other benefits or 'bagus lobang' or was it cause they enjoy having me in their company? To speak the truth, i won't dare to ask this question to them, what if their answer is not the latter. Do i still keep in contact with them? Or should i ask myself, are those humans out there that i consider friends really my friends? Will they understand what i want without me asking? Think all these will be a mystery unless i am willing to ask. But i don't dare to, reason? If those friend that really know me, will know and understand.

Oh ya i notice most of these days, my posts are mostly quite negative. Am i stressing up or cause i'm tired of this world, specially at the handling of human relationship? I'm really confuse. I'm alway saying I'm not a pyschic but it seem like i keep asking for other human to understand me like they are pyschics. Am i being selfish at this too? Who knows, ever since after i learn some basic pyschology, i keep having difficulties understanding a human better. As i will think of other possibilities to their motivations or schemes if they treat me good or ignoring me.

Haiz think i will stop all these thinkings and get back to work ba. lol

Tons and tons of anger, frustration where can i throw it into?

2008-07-24T21:22:00.002+08:00

Since yesterday the pit inside my heart is burning at million degree. Wat trigger the burning? Coz of a stupid old man lar, just because i sign out for the key that does not mean i'm the last one to leave the room. And most important, when we leave that room on wednesday all the 3 including me in the room had ensure tha the aircon were already off. And most important in the morning when i reach that room forgetting my schedule, i saw that none of the air con are on. yet during lunch hour, he blame me for not switching off the aircon and leaving it off overnite. Go damm it, if u really mind not offing the air con so much, go and install a system control that will cut the whole damm room off of electricity. Spend a lump sum now instead of spending hundred more each month finding ppl to blame. Last sem oso like that for another room, to ensure that i never leave any air con on, i will double check. Then got once during the afternoon duty to be stationed inside, i just leave the room to visit the ladies and check on other ccas' practices. So i leave the air con on for abt 10-20mins. But the next day, that bloody old man scream and yell saying i never off the air con. After explaining to him, knowing he is in the wrong yet, not a single apology. Lucky my hearing are slightly affected due to the ear infection that never really heal since Feb 08,if not i wonder will happen to my eardrum for listen to such a deaf defying volume. Then now i felt so reluntance to do my tuesday's duty. I rather stay in the hot, stuffy, full of germs and virus staffroom. To speak the truth, there are alot of signs of foul plays done by others. How i wish, i am able to catch them red-handed.

Then Today, ask my dad, how to go to Punggol Jetty. Already mention to him numerous times, i going there by taxi. So after exiting TPE toward punggol which way should i go in case the taxi driver doesn't know the way. And him , busy watching his WWE, keep saying take bus number 38 will be cheaper and take it to Punggol interchange there will have shuttle bus service to Punggol Jetty. BUT THE THING IS I'M TAKING TAXI THERE!!! NOT BUS!!! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I REPEAT MYSELF. Talk to you about the important of quit smoking, you just like to bring out tons of your friends' failures attempts of quiting or 'example' with no scientific proof of quiting smoking cause diseases.

And a lot of my frens they are so damm self centred. Told them i have my own planning for the evening i can't make it or other times for other stuffs, keep threatening me with all kinds of things like wat flavours i own them, the promises i make for them or the way they treat me.
To those who know whom i'm refering to, don't blame me if the day when i withdrew all forms of mean to contact me and cease to exist. When I'm getting used to think that I'm not appreciated as a friend or i'm being make use of, I doubts this time round my 'wall' will be that easy to tear down like the Wall of Berlin.
So many things i wish to make planning for myself, yet tons and numerous times i had to replan and reconsider due to families, friends and work. Will there ever be such a time when i can start to think only of myself selfishly and not worried abt wat the hell others humans are thinking?

missing for a long time

2008-07-07T23:22:00.004+08:00

Hihi, to those who had been visiting my blog and notice i never update it haha.
okie a brief update of june, 8th june to 11th june, i was away with my auntie's family and grandma to church camp in Meleka. Cool and wonderfuly place :D Really full of history and good food? lol joking haha. Had been there for 4 day 3 night but spend 2 days there singing KTV lol the 1st nite sang from 10.30 to closing time at 3am :X power right lol. But the next day never really get to sing much cause went with a grp of aunties, my grandma was there too. But she never sing, she just watch. When the aunties were singing their oldies, i noticed i knew alot of the songs sia. could it be that i was old too lol. Anyway, i enjoy myself during the camp.

on 9th june to 10th june went batam with my company for their 2nd anniversary retreat. To speak the truth, the resort sux. but okie lar, i enjoy the performance my grp did for the talent night lol. Bohemian Rhapsody was our item song, we act according to that song, man that was great. I love the team work that my team had shown and guess wat we come in 1st lol. Oh ya in the retreat, i won a lucky draw, 2nd prize , OSIM iPamper. Guess wat my mom say, seem like ur whole year luck only worth a SG$188 lol :X cause i was praying in my heart asking, 'lord, if u can allow me to get at least a lucky draw winning, i will be glad to exchange my reminding year luck for this prize lol.'

After returning back to school to work, i can say till the end of june most of my working hours 75% went to the preparation for SYF opening. although alot of funny thing and weird thing happens, i still think it's a great learning experience for myself.

Oh ya, actually the reason i'm posting was just a moment ago, i was doing some reflection to wat my best friend had told me. After thinking over for a long time, i am thinking maybe it is really time to let go of the feelings i having for him. If it drag any longer, i might ended up like years ago after the rejection i recieve from jx. But sense and emotion really don't work well together, i can't seem to get my heart to feel and think like wat my brain is thinking and feeling. My heart is arguing, all those logics i had send it to ask my heart to stop producing those feelings i'm having for him but it keep dening my sending, like it had set up a firewall to prevent the sending in of files that it had detected as trojan, virus or worm. What should i do, let go before i sink any further into this feelings and get hurt in the future and spend another 4 years or more on recovering or just stop my heart from plumping right away? I really don't know, it's been so long since i was in such a dilemma.
maybe i should spend more time on thinking of my religions instead of love affairs? as i think that will be better than wat i used to do when i was trying to come out of my hard shell years ago.
Anyway just to mark an ending to today blog, Happy YOUTH Day to all Youth and Youth at hearts :D

Posting From Melaka Last day here :p

2008-06-11T01:36:00.001+08:00

Lol I'm posting from Melaka, my last night here. Just wondering what can i do lol don't felt like sleeping haha :p

Think i will get post like that when get back to Singapore at 11th June late evening then update further :p

Posting from Melaka :p

2008-06-08T01:29:00.000+08:00

Halo haha, i'm posting from Meleka. Just posting for fun. Details post up again when i'm arrived back in singapore 11th Jun late afternoon hopefully or evening haha :p

title? don't know wat to write for it.

2008-06-01T00:34:00.004+08:00

一转眼，六年已过。六年前的今天，我剪去了从中一留起的长发，希望可以学古人断发忘情。可是还是没有成功地忘了俊雄。后来荒唐地过了将近一年，还真的是没有见到他，就会慢慢的遗忘。回想过去，该说我多情还是痴情？还真的是年代久远的事呀。几日前，我的多年好友，对我百般的劝解要我放弃我现在喜欢的对象。说来也奇怪的，六年的这段时间里喜欢过的男子不计其数。唯独有他，可说得上最久的了。可是身为我多年的好友的她多少都知道，对于现在的对象，是永远不会有结果的。可是回首当年再望今时，虽然对他的思慕不如对俊雄的长，可我心深处以知对他的情已远远超过当时对俊雄的情了。在如此短的时间里，就能让我的心对他百般的牵挂。此情无处可寄托，可不知君是否明白我心。

lol, really nothing to write. Recently I have been reading a bit too much of chinese novel specially those lovely dovey kind. So suddenly out of the blue wanted to write a story. Above is a short paragraph of what i was thinking of writing haha. Ya, i know i should be concentrate on writing english comp instead of those funny chinese short story.

Any way maybe i just want to update my blog abit haha. Oh ya the school i'm working in, got into the final for the Kindness Cheer Competition, so even Sunday i had to go and work lol help the teachers. really felt like starting to try and write abit short chinese novel like story haha. But what kind of story lines should i go into? lol

倒霉的日子

2008-05-27T22:52:00.002+08:00

许许多多的不如意都是发生在那人最倒霉的日子。我也不例外。
早上起来，人就不舒服，去到上班的场所，就有几位老师他们生病了。过后发生一些不如意的事。可是就坏的永远是在最后发生的。我再要回家的路上，去逛了逛TM,就在逛到一半时，想上个则所，可是谁会想到平常放在背包里的手机竟会成为‘落汤鸡’，调进了马桶。
Was that a sign for me to change my phone or just a plain sign to show that I'm starting to go down the alley of bad luck?

Reflection? Guilty Feelings? History repeating?

2008-05-07T16:30:00.004+08:00

Now the school i'm working in is having Mid-Year Examinations.
Most of the English department teachers, specially those teaching in the upper sec are helping me in my english revision. Realise i had been slacking too much, was it a stupid idea to retake my O lvl english? Am i happily digging my own grave? lol I noticed there are alot of mistakes that i make now similar to those i made during my secondary years. Stupid grammars mistakes, singlish, all those mistakes that are on similar par with a primary school kid's level. Felt like giving up on my english but almost SG$150 had been spend. I know what kind of mistake i'm always making but it seem to me that i'm not making any efforts to changes my old habits. Think i will keep trying to change till the day of my exam? lol
Maybe history will repeat and ended getting a D7 again? haha hope not, maybe worst an F9 or U is something quite possible. Haiz think now i just ignore what i'll be getting concentrate on my work and trying to improve my english.

Anyway, recently, being a kpo, i found out that 2 girls in school had fallen for the same guy. Actually one of them i knew it quite sometimes ago, but the other girl i just knew it recently. I was wondering what will both the girls do to each other if they found out that they are rivalries in love. As from what i saw, they are quite close to each other now. Am i waiting to see shows, i also don't know.... but if really ask me to support i think i will support that guy's decision.

Okie, some personal feedbacks on being an invigilator, super bored!!!!!!! I'm alway worring that i'll be creating alot of noises with every movement i make. I really don't know, and whenever i'm invigilating, could be due to the silence and not doing anything expect looking around at the students. A lot of things ran through my mind. Some of the thoughts are like running in the speed of light some are in slow motion lol. Maybe too bored is a deadly diease.

Oh ya, some comments to my previous blog... don't think too deep to what i had posted. I just had that sudden thinking when i hear that song nothing more to it.

Sorry for not updating my blog

2008-04-17T22:42:00.004+08:00

Okie, I understand since after sport day i had never update my blog. Basically cause in march, being laze was one of the reason. But another reason is cause, in 2006 march, i lost someone close. So i was like in no mood to blog.
Actually now I was just plain bored that why i blog haha. Today i came across an old song First Love. It bring me back some old memories i have when i was super addicted to japanese drama. But what really make me want to write about this song is the theme song of a drama that i like it. lol guess what was the reason for my love for that drama lol, if you guess cause of the main actor, yes you are right.
When i was listening to this song again, now i had a total different thinking of it as it link me to that drama again. I wonder if similar thing that happen to the main actor and actoress, happen to me. Will i be able to follow my heart honestly or will i give in and surrended?
There had been many occasions that i wish i can follow my heart but i know if i really did that friends, relatives and the society will condemn me. But who can said the fool that follow his or her heart is a goner or a sinner? I really don't know why out of the blue i felt like this... maybe cause of the late night or cause of some other stupid things or was it just the post effect of listening to a song?

So maybe just end my post for today with the lyrics of this song?

Saigo no kisu wa
Tabako no flavor ga shita
Nigakute setsunai kaori
Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Anata wa doko ni iru n' darou
Dare wo omotte 'ru n' darou
You are always gonna be my love
Itsu ka dare ka to mata koi ni ochite mo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made
Tachidomaru jikan ga
Ugoki-dasou to shite 'ru
Wasuretaku nai koto bakari
Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Watashi wa kitto naite 'ru
Anata wo omotte 'ru n' darou
You will always be inside my heart
Itsu mo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made
You are always gonna be my love
Itsu ka dare ka to mata koi ni ochite mo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love song
Now and forever...

Hope if there is really such a day when i can be like the main actoress confess to her true feelings and get back the same feelings from the guy i like.

Sport Day

2008-03-01T23:31:00.003+08:00

Just a short update haha, btw, i had make some changes to my previous post as i got some typo haha.
Okie after a long wait Sport Day is finally here.
Okie so as usual updating on the sport day ranking haha, Topaz still seating on the rock bottom.
And Ruby house as with their huge number of students participating, lol they win the Championship in the house.
Okie, so early morning I nearly can't wake up at all... and worst is raining sia... stupid lor Sport day lei still rain non-stop although got stop awhile but that brief stop was less then 1/3 of the whole sport day event lor. The Mascot is so cute for Topaz house and Sapphire. Topaz house's mascot is a deer lol but the costume look like a reindeer. For Sapphire house, their mascot is a white dog, which was also quite cute haha.
I saw alot of students cheering for their own house which was quite heartwarming to see their active involvement as it was a long time since i saw almost the whole school cheering together.
Although when they found out they lost but the Topaz house students were not dishearted as they had won 2nd place in the house cheering. I really felt that those Topaz students are a champion in their own ways. Which make me recall 1 of my old teacher's saying,'There is a champion in all our heart. No matter what changes can happen, we can be sure that that champion will light up the courage and kindness in all of us when we need it."
Then after the whole thing i keep my promise to treat genson and gang to Mac Donalds but really sian sia so many people at bedok mac... was so pack like sardine sia...
Then after that nothing much really happen lol.
Think that all for the Sport Day event ba haha.

Lol Airshow 2008 is fun

2008-02-24T20:43:00.003+08:00

Okie, recently i know i had posted that I'll be going on a civic district trail walk with the sec 3 students lol but... i totally forgetten abt the time when i just went out to the foyer the bus just leave. lol which mean i never get to go. Actually i was quite sad that i never get to join in...
After that no more special thing happen only till Saturday ba haha. I went to the Airshow 2008. Lol I really enjoy myself watching those performances specially by the Black Knight of singapore F16. To tell the true lol, during my early secondary school's years beside wanting to be a police, i was also into the idea of being an engineer for RSAF cause i like so engross in it that i pestered my dad's friend to teach me all abt the jet's engine but to be true i was totally blur of what he is telling me.
Alot of my friends told me it was lucky of them that i did not join the RSAF, if not they would be living their life in fears as who can imagine me repairing or maintaining those 'metal hawks' and destroying those millions dollars babes investing using tax payers' money lol.

Anway back to the Airshow 2008. This year it was no longer held in paya lebar, sad for those who missed the old location but this new location was far more better from what i felt. First is the toilet lol this time was so much better, no foul smell specially for those booth near the loo. But the food still horrible as it still cost at a sky high price... lucky i never eat there haha. Went there with fk. lol at first i was not intending to go cause to be true since last last week, my blocked nose had evolve to running nose, had been not feeling that well. (ps: the medicine that i had taken make it worst , make me keep falling asleep even at work, if i take the medicine i could be sleeping like almost 24hr daily...) But fk missed his chances to get the tickets from his other friend. lol so i tried to be kind and ask lor haha then since getting the ticket for him i might as well get one for myself and visit it too. haha.
Lol early morning purchase the tickets then when we arrive at Pasir Ris at 9.10am. I must say i really regrets going or to be correct is why i go and squeeze with so many people can you imagine tons and tons of people queuing outside the MRT station circling it to the taxi stand. We waited for over 15min just waiting to take the free shuttle bus, and during the last 5min of the bus journey my travel sickness attacked me, felt like vomiting... but lucky manage to hold it haha...
Arrive at the place, i command fk to get a good queuing location and keep nagging to him non-stop why should i be here to 'enjoy' this kind of crowd. And u know wat when we call up g who was supposed to help fk get the ticket but due to fk playing emo and so g never get to help fk get his ticket. He was there long ago and when we call him up, checking whether he would like to meet up he say something like let fate play its' part to see if we can meet. I was like wat the ... there at least thousand of people and to be true when got so many 'handsome guys' in uniforms, it pretty hard for me to find a friend in this kind of location and timing.
After the call, fk and me walk around. lol guess what Apache still come to this year Airshow again. I wonder how many years i had seen this heli in Airshow. Wish that Singapore can get more new model of heli for the Airshow in 2010. Oh ya as usual in this kind of Airshow, i manage to get my eyes on some handsome army guys lol. lucky Jas was not around if not she sure scold me upside down again lol :X i got take photo with 2 handsome US pilots lol but photo not with me yet as it was taken with fk's camera haha. When i had it i will sure upload it haha :p
Okie ya later we meet up with g and f. When i saw them both, i was like oh my gosh, they really make sure their 20bucks well spend sia. so many thing and their goodies bag is so heavy. Lol after meeting up we walk together awhile then after that we spilt up as they went for their lunch and me and fk watch the Aerobatics Flying Display. Man, I think i had found a new liking , F16 Falcon from US was so cool, the speed and the sound lol. At the end of the display was the PC9, although i'm not sure what year it was developed but don't know why when i saw that group of PC9 i was thinking oh my gosh such an old model of plane haha, and i told myself that i should do research on it but till now haha never :p think later ba haha. After the aerobatics, went back into the exhbit hall, air con yea, kudos for the inventors of aircon, felt so comfortable haha. When we arrive at the SIA Eng booth, they were giving out free drinks so i requested one for myself and 1 more for fk. the lady give it to me lol but when fk went to ask they say sorry no more haha not even mineral water for him lol. Then i ask about the career in SIA eng. Maybe i'm starting to get bored in my job? Recently i had been doing quite a number of jobs hunting :X or could it be due to the pay too little? haha, but dono why when i was queuing for the sia eng pin badge after gotten it, i saw g and f there lol no warning then appear de so scary :X haha :p then walk around again. Then when we leave we were thinking of the way out but the long queues was so scary so we walked out halfway out, we ask a mecs taxi if we pay the same 8 dollars surcharge but the 1st 3 rejected our offers but the 4th one took up on our offer haha. Man, we are lucky. To be true walking any longer in that sun light can sure kill me. haha. Think that all ba for the airshow.
Erm then for sunday is the same old sunday.

Happy Chinese New Year, Valentine Day and Friendship Day

2008-02-14T23:00:00.002+08:00

Firstly a warming greetings for all my friends and viewers of this blog. Happy Lunar New Year. Today is Valentine Day and Friendship Day. So hope all with lovers spend this valentine in their best ways and those without lovers, can enjoy this day with your best friends.

Okie just a brief recap of the past fews days and weeks.

From 28th Jan to 1st Feb I joined 5 teachers from my school to a camp in JBAC. I had my first experience of drinking goat milk, fishing by the sea side. Lol. When the students are having breakfast on thursday Vincent bring me and Jeffrey to the jetty beside our camp side to fish. We used 60cents prawns and catch alot of seaweeds, see we are such a healthy group of fishers :X But ended up with no fish, although we keep seeing alot of fishing jumping out of the water surface facing the south side. Nevermind, as that day we only had a fishing rod. I was considering getting 1 haha then go and try again lol. But the thing is... I'm scare to eat something once i saw how it died infront of me... will i be able to eat the fish i catch? And on thursday Night the last night at the camp we had a BBQ lol of course no students involved lar. Although I know Vincent is a 'er si shi xiao lao pa' but I did not know that he is also a good cook. Under a dim light, he can still tell quite well if the chicken meats were cooked already or not.
From this camp, I manage to enjoy myself although only manage to clear half of the work that i had planned to do lol.

Then after that I had the usual saturday and sunday. Then Monday 4th Feb and 5th Feb, I took 2 days leave trying to clear my room of junks. Phew i throw out alot of stuffs during these 2 days sia. Then 6th Feb is the Lunar New Year's Eve, went to grandma's house in punggol. To be true the food taste horrible and i'm so glad i was trying to lose weights haha like that i can excuse myself from not eating much. Then 7th Feb to 8th Feb as usual the old visiting. But this year, maybe due to age catching up on me, quite a numbers of relativies members asking me when will it be my turn to bring a bf to show them. But to be true, maybe also during that time is near to valentine i was quite abit skeptical about myself or to be more correct will i be able to settle down? So whenever i hear someone asking this kind of question, i will just laugh and go along with them then ignore them and go into a so-call emo state for at least 10-30min lol. Lucky noone pester around this topic too long if not, i think hell will break loose on these 2 days haha. For those who know me for years, will know my temper are quite bad when such questions are involved lol. So hehe lucky the topic don't goes too far out.

Then on Sunday, as i don't need to give tuition i sleep till quite late. And when i woke up about 11am, i woke up and saw g's sms asking if he can come my house play mahjong lol. I replied yes then, fall back to sleep till the second sms he send that he manage to jio ct and wl to join along lol.
Then i really woke up... that is about 1pm plus le lol.

Then back to work de monday haha. Nothing much really happen just that i catch a sore throat virus from Jaslyn... Really potent sia her virus... What make it worst is Tuesday, I had to go CCH Main for meeting and need to walk out from CCH Main. Lol when walking, i suddenly recall why I never chose that school to attend when i'm staying nearby cause from my house, it is not so recommended to take bus as it actually quite near on the map. What is the thing i can't stand is not the meeting i attended, actually i learn quite alot during the meeting. But the walking out part as there is no taxi coming in to this school at all while waiting for 5min, then i walk out to the main road and i really don't react well under the sun sia. Now got sore throat and blocked nose also. Haha.
Then today in school, we had 'Lo Hey' . Actually I wanted to help out but worried that when I might scattered my virus around the food, I tried to not going up to help haha.

Think I will update till here ba, lol my 25th Year of celebrating my Valentine being a single. But I manage to spend the day with doing things i like lol. Working, playing a fool around lol and being around with friends haha.
Afterall today is also the International Friendship Day too. Hehe.

I will end my blog here ba, as friday which is tomorrow I had to follow a sec 3 class on Civil District Tour lol. Hope the sun won't be as strong as on tuesday :p

Just typing how and what i felt after hearing a story from radio

2008-01-23T00:29:00.000+08:00

刚我正在听弦歌信箱，主持人说了一个故事。
故事说的是一个女孩暗恋着她的一位男性的朋友。他们两人是6年的好友，可是当那个男生知道那个女的对他有超过友谊的感情时就开始避开她。就这样，过了没多久，那个女生病了。病得很严重，快要死了，在她死前，她一直很希望那位男生可以来见她最后一面和说一句：“我爱你。”可是到死，那位女孩都没有再见到那位男孩。
听了这个故事，我有许多许多的想法。因为我曾经暗恋过人，而被他避开。那时我好难过，因此我就一直对自己说不能让我喜欢的人知道我对他的心意。可是我在过去，听了另一个故事。故事和前个故事有点类同，可是女主角到死，都没让男孩知道自己对他的心意，而带着后悔过世。而在死后，男孩在她的墓前说出他一直对她都有意思，可是却不敢对她说。如果女孩有让男孩知道自己对他的心意，女孩是否会在死前活得开心一点吗？
就在最近，我从我工作的学校的学生那听到说原来在他们的年龄逃避对方是最好的方法。那么，当年他避开我也是一样的原因吗？那么现在如果我对那位我有意思的男生表白会有同样的结局吗？
或许是因为听了那个故事的原因吧，心情有点不对劲。
Okay now for English. Today is not quite a happening day to me expect that I was confirm that I will be joining the Sec 2 for the camp and I will be there for five day although will be returning back to school on Friday around 11am plus but still scare as I’m worried that I will be there to feed tons of mosquitoes. LOL. Now still abit emo due to listening to a radio programme haha. Think I will end here and gone to sleep ba.

It's been a 'long' time since my last blog update

2008-01-20T20:12:00.000+08:00

A fast recap since the starting of 2008.
Since the starting of 2008, i had personally attended 2 weddings and missed 1 wedding. Is this a good time for marriage? regarding that heckcare it haha :p

Okie, let me recap my 1st week of 2008. from 1st jan to 6th jan. Nothing special expect attending a wedding on 3rd jan. Yea that is a thursday. Oh ya before that went some place with some guys. Quite funny to see how they argue what to buy lol.
Okie then after that pretty much nothing interesting happen till 10th Jan, the school i'm working in is having CCA Fair. Quite cool, last year i never really get to enjoy and participate much in it. This year although still the same but i got to mingle around with haha quite fun seeing those little sec 1 kiddos chosing which cca to enter and the so-call 'senior' trying to pull in new-blood into their cca.
Then come a new week, 14th Jan to 17th Jan nothing much. 18th Jan, had a sec 1 meet the parents session. Helping out as usual out with my usual thing, but don't know why, for at least a few months i had not experience super headaches. But on this date, i had to have a headache which make every single bits of sound and noise sound i heard like a million decibel. Actually on 18th is also the wedding dinner date for 1 of my WSS friend's wedding. I never go cause of work but according to Jas who went. It seem fun. After hearing from her those who went how they appear now, i was kinda shock. lol Maybe next time had chances again to meet them ba.
Okie, think enough of recap of roughly what happen. Maybe recap something I just realised and learn.
I used to wonder why during my secondary school years, that guy i like will avoid me at all costs. Thanks to CT, i finally learn and know why, guys and girls during that ages when they will tend to avoid that person who had special feelings for him or her. So maybe that is why jx avoid me whenever i was near. Even when we are like friends, there was still a distance only till i leave WSS. We became abit more like friends yet when i chose to go NP, history sort of in a way or so repeat. I admit i never learn from those years.
And refering to what i had hear from jas and those i learn or realise from CT's words. I think even if i did had any feelings for anyone now or in the future, i doubts i will say it out again. As i don't wish to be avoid like a plague ever again.
Anyway I think I had been enjoying myself since the beginning of this year.

Last day of 2007 and reaching 2008 soon

2007-12-31T23:45:00.000+08:00

Years fly pass like a shooting star. with only a tail of dusts to be trance and lost itself in the atmosphere of planets Earth.
Looking back at 2007, I had gained alot of dreams, wishes and goals but none are fulfilled. People might say, "If that the case, then you are a failure in year 2007."
If I am who i am 3 years ago, I will agreed to it, if i did gain alot of dreams, wishes and goals yet at the same time not fulfilling any.
If I am who i am 2 years ago, I will just ignore it but remember that person and hold a grudge toward him or her.
If I am who i am a year ago, I will bear with it cause i finally had my first official long term job. Told by my parents and character buildup since young age, I will just treat bear with it yet at the same time looking down at myself too.
And today, I will just agree, yet i will also give a reply saying, although i had not achieved any goals, complete my wishes and dreams but this year I had learn and gain something that dreams, wishes and goals can't give me. Although right now, I may appear to be a failure to most I had lived my life to my fullest in the past 5months.
Now with a new Goal set and a more realistic dream, I will work towards it.

Goal for 2008, Weight loss, to achievement my healthy weight of 55kg, there is one thing that I will only do it once i had achieve this weight. Hope i can do it.
If possible enrol myself in a part-time degree, otherwise retake of my English paper at least.
Tried my best at my working place, try not to get involved in "political" struggle and hope to get a pay raise haha :p

That all I had planned for 2008, may all my friends who read my blog, be blessed and Happy for Eternity.
To mark the ending of 2007, here is something i think i read it up somewhere.
"We learn the most from failing yet, at the same time, we grow from it. When we taste too much success and no failures, Life become too boring. If I am a person with Power and Authority, and my life are full of success and no failures to bring shades to my lifes. I will destory the whole world in less than a minute to bring an end to this boring world. Failures may taste bitter, but without understanding the taste of bitter, how are we able to understand the sweetness of a Success."

Feelings of today.

2007-12-27T23:56:00.000+08:00

Today is thursday 27th December 2007.
Don't know why, out of the blue in the morning i suddenly felt super emo. And actually it got worst as the days goes by. Actually I can't say that I'm not able to trance the beginning of this emo track. But don't felt like talking about it.
What make it worst could be negative conversation i had.
Haha, Nevemind about it ba. Anyway as i had agree to write down about what presents i had recieve for my birthday. I'm here to give a sweet recap of what i was given for my 25th years old birthday present, starting from the earliest I had recieved.
First, An Adidas watch from my uncle which i recieve about 2 weeks before my birthday. Then on a day before my birthday,a part 1 present from Gordon, a photograph of me, myself taken on a bus, then a Lovely Necklance with starlets pendant from Yaoming, follow by Hung She and Celine, hungshe give me a cute Piglet handphone placer (I think, i dono how they call it.) and a lovely handphone pouch and a elegant mickey mouse small bag. And shixuan's present too, although he not able to give it to me directly, his present is a lovely comb and Doraemon handphone hanger. Then follow a combine present from Farhan and Johnathan, a Big Teddy Bear, i had named her Monica :p, btw, her picture is show on 21st Dec post. After a few more days, i recieve my part 2 present from Gordon, it is that lovely cute Turtle also had its' picture post on 21st Dec.
Actually i wanted to post all the pictures of my present, find it abit hard to post cause like the photo i had taken for the necklance, it did not turn out that well, the crystal on it reflect the flash too well that make the picture look weird. And most important of all, i'm laze to link all the picture haha :p

So i think i will end this post here. Take care for all and sleep well :D

Christmas

2007-12-25T21:57:00.001+08:00

Today is Christmas. This year is a weird christmas for me. As normally at this time of the year, i will normally had planning to goes out. But this year, i was very 'guai' staying at home whole day. Even my planning of wanted to go gym oso cancel due to laziness.
Anyway wishing all who read my blog a Merry X'mas. Haha
Nothing much to write. oh ya, just now fliping through my little notebook. It seem like i used to take a lot of tiny notes of writing ideas. I wonder should i contiune to write those notes haha and try to write short essay? If i write, i think my english will fail me badly... as my english grammar and vocab are horrible. haha.

Sunday again

2007-12-23T23:35:00.000+08:00

Today is the second last sunday for 2007. Nothing much to be update actually. Just that got abit weird haha. Actually quite looking forward for tomorrow as tomorrow is x'mas eve but this year eve abit boring, till now had no planning. Think 1 of the reason could be cause i'm broke haha.
Okie, so just now I watched X-Men then now watching The Mummy.
Speaking of The Mummy, now Singapore Science Centre is having exhibition from Egpyt. I felt like going there to watch and explore sia. How i miss those days when i'm craze over Ancient Civilisation before i love those IT Gadgets and stuffs. Although i still love history.

It seems like I'm alway having different interestes since young age but what interest me the most is still history, manga, IT gadgets gadgets and things about vampires. Science also interesting but don't know why, i love it and hate it at the same time. Is this what it is like to be in love with someone too?
Haha, today really i felt so weird as i felt like digging out my real handwritten dairy to flip and see haha. Lol anyway, just to roughly place an end to my blog today. Here is the part of a song lyrics that i had hear from from a friends :D
"If you never say goodbye
To the best thing in your life
There are things you dont appreciate
At all"
I find it quite meaningful, cause in life, we will never learn to appreciate something unless we had lost it. So would like to guess the song name and sing by who? Answer at my tag box :p
lol. My dear friend who had introduce this song to me is not allow to answer :p

Friday le finally!!

2007-12-21T22:25:00.000+08:00

My 25th years old Birthday Present

My 25th years old Birthday Present

Haha, I had not been updating my blog since sunday... Lol Today, is finally friday le. Maybe just a recap of a rough idea of wat happen from Monday to friday ba.
Monday and Tuesday i was done for CCPE Development training, Presentation Skill Workshop. On Tues, i watched Alvin and the Chipmunks finally although is watching alone. Felt so lonely...

Then wednesday, went back to school to work. Wah, 1 whole week never go back to school to work felt so weird haha. Oh ya, i also found out where is my new seating place. I used tosit in the HOD room, now got 'throw' to staffroom le. The funny part is, i'm taking Mr. M's seat and he is taking over my seat in HOD room. lol. In the evening, i went to pasir ris to eat dinner and do some tiny bits of roaming around in the arcade, with gg and ct. After that we went back to TM to get FH's present. The experience of buying FH's present can be listed as 1 of my life most funny experience. Really sia, i notice hor, when i go out with gg, will saw alot of ppl he know de... Then at the shop where we buy FH's present, the salesgirls also know him. They were smiling so widely when they saw him. lol reason for that, maybe once after FH got his present then i post bah, provided i still remember.

Thursday, went gym with CT, supposed to go in the morning, but raining weathers so being a sleepyhead, i was super happy when ct sms to postpone it haha. After the gym, we go to the coffeeshop near her house. Then i wanted to order laksa but she keep saying can't as it will waste my effort for working out just now. But ended up, i did not waste any of it.... Cause after finishing eating, while siting down to rest, my aunt call and ask me to go Singapore Recreation Club for swimming... My gosh, first is gym then evening is swimming. Long time never had such a workout fill day sia...

Then today friday when i woke up, i felt so dead. Really my limbs don't felt like it belong to me, yet there is so much pains. How i wish i can get rid of my nerve system, then won't felt so painful le...
Today is sec 1 registration day. First time helping out in this officially. Last year was like just helping answering phone call and doing things that sometimes cause more troubles instead. But this year round, along with 1 other teacher, Xiaofen, we are ask to tend to the 'Transfer out' Counter. LoL, Alot of teachers come asking did that highest scores student come and apply for transfer whenever they saw me. But if i were them, i sure would ask too, as this child can be a major source of Distinction for the school in the future O lvl. But according to our record, although quite a number come but their appeal can't be enterain as they don't fit our 4 major conditions. So in actual fact, i'm not sure if that highest scorer had transfer school or not.
Then Finally i was to 'move' house le. With Mr M and his assistant help, they move all my barang barang over to the new 'house'. Here some picture to show after i had set up my desktop.

My new 'house'

My new 'house'

Although I won't say it is neat but to be true lar, quite small lol, as i was used to big table, even at home my table oso quite big. Although super messy :p
Then after all these i totally forgotten that as i reported to work at 7.30am, i can leave at 4.30pm. So in the end, i leave my working place at 5.30pm. crap sia wasted one hour working for free. Then after that saw one friend of mine in TM, he was shopping with his GF. The gf so haolian... say my friend got end of year bonus promise to get her a ring for engagement. So crappy sia, as i don't had bonus at all lor, and whether can get it also depend on luck le and how much I am able to get.
But after that reach home, see my parents, the unhappiness all gone hehe. so nevermind lar, even if i don't had bonus, i still can eat at home haha :p
Think i will stop here ba. LoL attached 2 of my favourite birthday present for this year haha. :p

Sunday already

2007-12-16T20:20:00.000+08:00

Wahaha, today is sunday. In Singapore, Mediacorps, we got the 红星大奖. But i never watch, cause I don't like to wait for the results to be announce haha, so instead i rather wait for all things to end le then I go website see result.
Lol, so I watched Independance Day on Star Movies. Will Smith rock sia :X

Oh ya today I don't know but i think i might had angered a friend due to my irritating words and actions. Hope when this blog is post, I can find out the answer.

Anyway, after watching Independance Day, it make me wanted to watch " I am Legend". But i also wanted to watch "Alvin and the Chipmunks", Theodore look so cute!!!!!!!
Later got to watch X-Men on Star Movies haha.

Anyway just to close this post, here is what i hear today on tv. Although i find it crap but as this is not the first time i'm hearing it, so i just post it up for entertaining. oh ya this line had nothing to do with my post today, so don't anyhow link and mislead my meaning :p

"人世间最痛苦的事不是和心爱的人分隔两地或是生离死别，而是你最爱的人就在你面前但是你却不能对他说：'我爱你'这三个字。"

Saturday le

2007-12-15T21:06:00.000+08:00

Cute Baby Looney

Hao sian, taken 5 days leave like that gone already. I felt like I had never rest at all sia.
Today gone to watch a Thai movie, Citizen Dog, wah, pengz the movie song so funny in thai suppose to be super lovely dovey but from what we hear, directly meanings totally change. haha. and hell sia, i got frighten by an idiot who sit beside me at the end of movie :p

Then after that head to that place again. Today never saw tt ah gua there. lol i think hor, i keep getting bully by the who sia. Play those brain teaser game, i win him by 1 point only and he sabotage my answer. Play it twice oso like tt lor.
Oh ya this morning, we suppose to meet at 9.30 at TMMRT. Those who know me long will know lar, i'm a late comer type as i'm alway late. Today i was not the latest sia. Got YM later then me, worst is hor when the who call him, he just woke up in the morning and when i'm reaching TMRT, the who say YM still at home ask me not to rush. So i delay here abit delay there abit then take MRT to Pasir Ris and U-Turn back then when about to U-turn, i recieve sms from the who say his bus reaching TMMRT -_- winner lor. His bus must be speeding :p so ended up i was still not the earliest to reach.
Anyway, from that place i got a Winnie the Pooh, then after that they play hide and seek, at 1st was that if they can find me, then buy the walking pet balloon, Reindeer de for Winnie. To speak the true, i don't like playing hide&seek, got alot of bad memories from young. But seeing that they want to play it that much, so join lor. They are abit lousy at finding me when i'm hiding but once i'm out super easy to find me :p think coz my size too big to be missed :p
But while letting them searching for me and time ending soon and YM hor i walk pass him he also never notice -_-. Then i pretend going into the shop then come out finally he notice haha.But that was the 2nd time of the Hide&Seek.
Then after that we gone to buy bubble tea hehe :p and this time round is i seek them out. Freaky sia -_-, the guys are easier to sense out their location then the little girl. Lol i think is time to tune my sensor sia :X haiz, nevermind lar, i don't wan to contiune type about the hide&seek le. Really bring alot of bad memories i had.
Was typing halfway then out of the blue dono why don't felt like typing le.
I was spending 3hrs to think of what to say or type in this blog.

Just to bring a close to today post. I'm alway saying wrong things at wrong times. Without my own knowledge, I'm alway losing friends with my actions and words. Since childhood age, the numbers of friends i had lost are so numerous that i could no longer count or remember their names any more. I know this bad habit of mine had make lost a lot of friends and Jas had always keep reminding me to change or get rid of such bad habit. I had been trying and failing, but I'm still changing. Please forgive me, my friend(s).
Specially to 1 friend out there, I am really sorry for alway irritating you. I know I had been making alot of empty promises about not making such jokes to disturb you. I'm really sorry for all my actions.

Relive my Blog

2007-12-14T21:46:00.000+08:00

Years had passed since i last update my blog on here.
Recently specially the past 12months had been super happening in my entire life. I had my first long term contact job. Know alot of new friends and with help from a old friend notice my inner self. All along, I thought i only had demons in my soul. But this whole year, from these friends, i notice i'm like all other humans, I still having human feelings in me.
Since my last blog here, 29th July 2005, alot of things had happen in my life.
Don't know why, i suddenly had a urge to type out what major things that had happen to me. Could it be cause i had been bottling up too many things in my heart?
I really don't know about it already.

Anyway, this blog is supposed to mark a start of a good beginning again.

Oh ya this time round, i had help from my young friend to teach me to update the blog with laze method haha. Unlike last time, I had to do softcoding myself to update hehe, which make me lazy to do anything about it. lol

Lol alot of things i wanted to type out in this post that happen this whole week but i can't. Anyway, friends, I'm really happy for this week. I had a long time never spend my birthday in such a happening way. Although i did also spend alot of money too. Lol.
This morning got quite a nagging haha cause for spending too much.

Erm maybe to round up abit from what i felt after 2 days from my 25th Birthday celebration (haha). I wonder, with so many mistakes and wrong steps i had taken in life, can i still achieve the happiness i wanted? These fews days, those funs i had, there are times which i would wonder, could it be true or just a dream that once i wake up will be back to few years ago? Just like when i first created this blog? Was it aging that cause such thinking in me or was it just a PMS attack? haha lol XD

Celebrating My First Ever Blog

2005-07-29T08:30:00.000+08:00

This is my first ever blog. Friends told me blog can be a personal on-line diary or personal website. So i use it for both, well diary i won't be writing much as i don't had the habit of writing it, personal website, when i think what i want to add then i do the posting. So let Celebrates Life and get going with it. Ciaoz.